Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Multiple Choice

If someone you thought was your friend accused you of having an affair with their husband, would you:

a. cry a whole lot
b. get incredibly angry, and imagine slapping them in the face any time you saw them
c. realize you have never been so offended, then have your husband give you a blessing
d. block them on Facebook
e. alternate between being furious, imagining what you would say to this person, and being deeply deeply depressed
f. go to the temple, do a session, put their families names on the prayer roll and find you're not so angry anymore
g. talk to the bishop, get some council, feel a lot better
h. have physical, intense anxiety whenever you see this person
i. find that you can't even look this person in the face, you are so repelled by them
j. try to move on and not think about them every minute of the day and what you're supposed to actually DO about the situation, realizing there really is nothing you can do (which is FRUSTRATING)
k. have an obsessive bout of looking up information on slander and if you should actually send them a cease and desist letter--not because you want to sue them, but just in hopes that it will finally make them stop
l. feel like you're on a roller coaster ride, that just keeps getting worse each week that goes by
m. still feel bad for this person, worry for them because they are seriously unhinged and need a lot of help
n. get mad at yourself for missing their friendship and wishing you didn't care so much
o. become an even worse insomniac than you were before, and then sleep most of the day away because life just seems too hard to deal with right now
p. hate that so much and become super frustrated with yourself that you can't get anything done and are wasting away your days, and that this person has that much power over you
q. have good weeks and bad weeks, you're in a bad week right now
r. make an appointment with your doctor to increase your anxiety medication
s. all of the above

I'm sure you can guess which answer is mine.

Okay, so to give a little background: We had some really good friends of ours that we spent a lot of time with over this past year. We did a lot of double dates, our kids all get along and are friends, we even planned our trip to Cancun because they invited us along. Fast forward to November and we find out that they're getting a divorce. So sad, so emotional, just terrible. And us trying to figure out how we can be supportive of each of them and still be friends. After talking to my friend about what was going on, and my husband talking to him, we started to notice...inconsistencies in the stories. She was always very vague and not forthcoming--everything was always his fault and it was very calculated in what she said-- he was always very open and sharing and sad and sorry. She was happy to be getting divorced and things just weren't adding up for me. So we started spending more time with the husband when he had the kids with him, and she started spending less and less time with us. I still tried to do things with her, but it was very awkward. I think things really went south when we went to Cancun, and she was upset that she wasn't going. At one point when I felt that she was permanently pulling away from me, I went to talk to her about what was going on. It was not pretty. It was actually kind of horrible. She yelled at me, she accused me of crossing lines, of being inappropriate, of being a bad friend. There was crying, there was hurt feelings, there was a lot of things that just didn't make sense. I thought it got to a point by the end of the conversation where things would be okay and sort of resolved. We went to lunch later that week and she apologized and said she loved me and hugged me, and...we haven't spoken since. It was all a lie. She went to our Bishop and told him I was interested in her husband and now that they're getting a divorce, I'm making my move. She's forbidden her kids from talking to me or my kids. When her kids get back from their dad's, she grills them on if we were there and if I'm inviting myself over or if their dad is. Its sick, and I am in a huge hurtful mess. I thought this person was one of my best friends, I loved her, I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to help her. I worry for her, and I worry about her kids and all I've ever wanted to do was be a good person and a good friend. I know it shouldn't bother me, but her saying these things about me to other people makes me a little crazy and I hate that some people think its true. That I'm having an affair with her husband, that I'm this awful friend, that I'm trying to take her kids from her, that I'm inappropriate. I hate that perfect strangers who don't know me, are hearing these things and believe them. I know I can't control it and it isn't true, I know I'm not a bad person, but man, it hurts. I don't know how this is going to get better, even if we completely pulled away from her and him and their kids, I'm still the girls' Young Womens leader. I will still see her and her kids every sunday. Every tuesday when she drops them off at church. We have mutual friends, who give me the side eye and who are put in the middle of an extremely uncomfortable situation. I wish I could talk to her, I wish I could make everything right, but its not me that has to be okay, its her. And I can't force her to accept reality. I feel very stuck, and it is a terrible feeling, to have no power in what someone does to you. You want to stand up for yourself, you want to shout from the rooftops that I DID NOT DO THAT!! you want to convince everyone of your innocence, you wonder how anyone who knows you could believe that about you. Right now, I just want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and start my day and not feel like a dark cloud is following me wherever I go.

Sorry to lay this all out, but it does feel good to share my side even if its just to a blog that no one who knows about this in person will read. Pray for me please?

Thursday, February 26, 2015

True Friends

I've got some things on my mind and I'd like to talk about them. I don't think there's anyone reading this blog anymore and thats okay. Sometimes I just need to say exactly how I'm feeling and know its out there in the void, that maybe someone will read it and understand what I mean.

I read a stupid little whatever article about five ways to know if you have a true friend. It was basically fluff. Stuff like, they accept all your weird quirks and will tell you if you have a booger in your nose and stick around when you're going through hard stuff. And while I agree that those are nice things to have in a friend, I don't think those things make a TRUE friend.

I think a true friend is someone that can call you out on your crap. I don't mean they are mean to you, but when you're asking for real advice with a problem, they can gently and tactfully help you see your part in it too. I don't think a true friend just blindly agrees with everything you say. I think they might challenge your thinking, help you see other sides, grow and become better. I think a true friend is someone who will listen to anything you say and let you say it, but will also help you move past it. If they see you're doing harm to yourself or others will not just idly sit by and say its not their problem.

I think true friends resolve things. If your friend does something that hurts you, a true friend doesn't pull away and ignore them and avoid them, you work it out. And if the other person is a true friend, they will listen to you and say they're sorry and you will all move on. Instead of holding a grudge and staying angry and letting that drive a wedge between your friendship. True friends work on their problems.

True friends aren't play things to be tossed aside when things aren't convenient or easy or always fun. I know we hear this kind of thing a lot: if a friend takes anything from you are any sort of weight to you, they aren't worth it and you need to get rid of them. And sometimes that is true, and sometimes people are worth fighting for even when they aren't perfect. Because wouldn't you in your imperfections, want your friends to fight for you? True friends don't see the worst in each other and understand that people make mistakes, and usually aren't maliciously out to hurt you on purpose.

True friends are honest with each other, you can share your deepest fears or thoughts with a true friend and know that they will understand. Or even if they don't, they won't hold it against you. A true friend might get annoyed with you sometimes, but they can still see all the good things in you and know that you are worth all of it, even the annoying parts. ;)

True friendship is hard. True friendship takes work. True friendship is worth it because after you've been through all this hard work, you know you have a friend you will never give up on and will never give up on you. One that makes you better, that makes you laugh, that gets who you really are and will always be there for you--and that is priceless. How can something like that just be easy? It isn't, and maybe instead of skipping around from person to person always looking for whats easiest, we should invest in the people around us and try to understand where people are coming from. And maybe that person you thought was just another person, will become someone you can't live without.