Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I'm a Realist Gosh Darn It!

So uh...I recently discovered GOMI. Have you guys been there?? Do you know what Get Off My Internets is?

Basically its a site dedicated to snarking and complaining about all the big blogs out there and what you don't like about them. I got turned on to it through NieNie Dialogues instagram account, she had some fluke with her name being changed and people were going CRAZY about it and then there was a fake instagram account that was making fun of her and it was horrible and pretty hilarious at the same time...because I'm sort of a bad person.

See, if you're a really positive person, who only sees the best in people, who always looks at the bright side, who never complains or gossips or is negative: you won't get this.

I wouldn't say I'm a positive person, but I also wouldn't say I'm a negative person either. I would describe myself as a realist.

Let me explain more: I grew up with a mother who HATES dishonesty. I don't care for dishonesty much myself but I feel like this emphasis on honesty in my young life and growing up, put me in a position to feel like when you pretend someone is nicer than they are, its a lie and I don't like it. Does that make sense? Have you ever had someone say something flat out rude to you, and you KNOW exactly what they meant, but when you tell someone about it they're all like "Oh I'm sure they just meant this, or they were meaning it in this way!" And in your head, you're just like "no, they weren't. They were being rude and we all know it."

I'm not saying I don't want to see the good in people, I'm not saying I don't WANT to be more positive, but I feel like I just don't want to delude myself about people's intentions and by doing that get hurt by them because I refused to see that they weren't a nice person and now they've done something horrible. Really am I making any sense??

Anyway, the point of all this is (there probably isn't a point but...) sometimes I really do just want to snark on people. Because people do things that are annoying and sometimes you just want to feel validated that you're not the only one who feels this way. So when I started reading GOMI (for the most part) I was like I SO GET THESE PEOPLE!! (disclaimer: there are definitely people who take things too far and are much too nit picky and I don't agree with them, I just get the need to talk about things that annoy you without feeling like a completely horrible person.)

I also want to say something about blogs and people's blog personalities. I hope everyone realizes that what you are seeing on a blog is NOT that real person. I lay things out here and they are honest to me, but still it is only a slice of who I am, and sometimes not the slice I always want people in real life to see... ;) So while you MIGHT be reading a blog of someone who you THINK is genuine, odds are: not really. I have friends that I know very well in real life and their blogs are a very much put together display of what they want people to see. There are things on their blogs that are so opposite of what they say and do in real life it astonishes me that they don't feel fraudulent. But they don't see it that way, they see what they want to see and they put out there what they think their lives are like.

So I guess I feel a little less bad complaining about a person who's not even completely "real"-- just an image of what they want to put out there...but I still feel kind of guilty...I'm complicated.

Anyway, if you have tons of time to go through all the forums and find the blogs you like to read and sometimes love to hate and read some of the hilarious things people think of them, I won't judge you since I've spent a ridiculously amount of time on there...its kind of addicting...

But really, how do you feel about this kind of thing? Are you the forever optimist? Are you super negative? Or do you think you're just being real?? And can the optimist, pessimist and realist get along??

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Why I Will NOT Appreciate Barf Right Now

I posted this to Facebook today:

              I just want you people to know its been at least 12 years since I got a good nights sleep. You might want to think about that before you have kids... we're dealing with vomit this week! Yay parenthood.

And within minutes a friend of mine (whose kids are all grown up) posted this response:

              It is the worst thing ever! But don't wish too hard that it stops - because before you know it, your kids will be gone and you will only wish you had some throw up to clean up!!!


Really friend?? REALLY?! I mean though...really???

I honestly cannot imagine a time in my life where I'll be sitting around wishing that if only I had some barf to clean up. Nope. Nope nope noooooope.

I know this is something that gets thrown around to young moms all the time. And ya know what? It really isn't helpful. Its easy for you to say when you don't have to actually deal with barfing, diarrhea, nasty sickness. And I really doubt that the people who say this, when they were young moms appreciated doing these things. Talk about hypocrisy. So if you didn't appreciate it then, you can't tell me to now.

Really though, whats the point of saying that to someone? A much more helpful thing to say would be: "Oh man! I so remember how awful that was to deal with! I'm so sorry!!" And leave it at that.

Because I can assure you I will NEVER actually WISH to clean up feces. I will NOT miss doing ridiculous amounts of laundry. I WON'T crave sleepless nights. I will not WANT to deal with tantrum throwing, snot mouthed brats who make me crazy.

YES, of course I will miss having little kids. I will wish for little hands to hold, and little bellies to tickle, and little smooshy cheeks to kiss, and little bodies to hug and little giggles and laughs and games. I WILL wish for those things. But I won't want the other parts back. Dude. For real?

And one more thing, even though I'll miss my own kids being little I don't like the thinking that once my kids are grown up I'm all alone. I'm not going to be alone, they'll still be part of my life. I will still get to have great, fun, fulfilling relationships with them and the cherry on top is that eventually I'll get grandkids and I'll have little kids around again--ones I don't have to do their laundry! This all sounds good to me, not bad. I just would rather be excited about my kids growing up and be positive than dread "being alone" and empty. Boo to that I say!

Okay, I think I've got that off my chest. It was too much to reply back on my Facebook status. Plus I didn't want to lose a friend. ;)


Friday, February 14, 2014

My...Crying...Valentine

Its Valentine's Day! A day of love and flowers and candy and spinning in fields of flowers!!! Whee!

I don't really care about Valentine's Day either way. Some people hate it, some people love it. I don't have strong feelings about it at all. I think its weird that people hate it because who hates love? But then I started thinking about all my own weird quirks and I realized the husband and I were talking the other day about how much I love sad love songs...

Really, I do. Some of my favorite songs are about heartbreak and sadness. Its not because I like broken hearts, its not because I'm heartless, and its not because I hate love. Really, I think the reason that I love sad songs is because they're so beautiful and emotional. I like tender songs, I like songs that make you feel like the emotion was ripped from the singer as they were singing it. They just seem more meaningful to me or something.

So in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm sharing some of my favorite heartbroken songs. Tell me they don't get you right in the gut! I dare ya! :)

Say Something- A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera



Your Letter- 112 (sorry about the crappy video quality)

Just Give Me a Reason- Pink feat. Nate Ruess

You Were Mine- Dixie Chicks

My Immortal- Evanescence

Funny Feeling- 112
 

 Landslide- Stevie Nicks (but I like the Dixie Chicks version)

 Someone Like You- Adele

I Will Always Love You- Whitney Houston

 All Cried Out- Allure and 112 (apparently 112 have the best sad songs!) :)


What are your favorite sad songs? What would you add to my list? And a happy Valentine's Day to you!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

A Little Bit of Me

Every year since 2009, I've done a yearly review post, all my favorites, all the good and maybe not so good things that happened to us that year. And maybe...a really small maybe...I'll get to that. But I doubt it. Because you know what? This has been one of the weirdest years I've ever had. And although we did do some really fun and good things; if I think back on the year as a whole, I was very much wrapped up inside of my head and this year feels pretty lonely.

First of all, I feel like this is like some bare your soul kind of post so be prepared for that and its loooong. Sorry. This is hard for me to write, its pretty personal and something I'm still trying to figure out and deal with. If you remember, I wrote a post awhile back about being extremely tired. Basically, I've spent months being tired. And this isn't like you didn't get good sleep tired, its I can't exercise because 2 minutes in I'm exhausted and about to fall over, its vacuuming the floor and having to take a nap afterward, its getting one main thing done in my house because that is my limit for the day, its feeling completely overwhelmed by having to do anything MORE, not wanting to add anything to my plate because I can't DO ANYTHING but lay in bed and feel tired, tired, tired.

In that post I talked about not wanting to go to the doctor. I kept hoping against hope that I would just snap out of it, that if I rested enough eventually I wouldn't be tired anymore. When that didn't work, I tried making myself do stuff. When that didn't work, I finally gave in and went to the doctor. I went and did blood work, I get a lot of headaches and migraines so as a precaution he had me do a CT scan (funny side story on this for a future post), but before we even got the results the doctor said something that made me laugh: he said he thought I was depressed. He had me fill out a test and said that based off the answers, I was kind of severely depressed. I laughed and said I don't think so. I thought it was the opposite: I'm tired which is making me depressed--how happy are you when you haven't been able to do anything for the last six months except be exhausted?? He thought the depression was making me tired.

So I went home and waited for the test results. I told my husband that the worst thing they could possibly tell me was that nothing was wrong and that I'd have to go on living like this, which I just couldn't do anymore. And what do you think the test results all came back as? Nothing was wrong. No thyroid issue, no anemia, no problems with the CT scan. Nothing.

I started researching what he said about depression, I read and read and took other tests to gauge if I had depression and it still just didn't fit to me. I didn't really feel bad about myself personally, I felt bad I couldn't do anything or live the way I was used to but I didn't hate myself (any more than any woman feels guilt or not living up to what she feels she can). I was still interested in all the things I was before, I just didn't have the energy to DO them. I didn't want to commit suicide. So in my research I came across some things about anxiety and it hit me. THAT was what I needed to be researching. And so I started reading about anxiety, and I started seriously freaking out. I started having major anxiety about having anxiety. I was probably on the verge of an anxiety attack when my mom called. She said she had a feeling I needed her to call, and it was good because I really, really did. We talked for about an hour about everything I was reading and how I was feeling and it helped me come out of my own head a little bit.

So when I went back to the doctor we talked about that a little bit and he said, well, I want to put you on medication. Honestly, I know how people feel about medication, especially antidepressants. I was scared that it would change my personality, I was scared what people would think of me, would they think I'm crazy? Would they not want their kids to be around me because they think I'm unstable? There was a lot of fear in starting medication, but the overwhelming thought was that I would do anything to not feel like this anymore. If you haven't been there, don't judge.

(Side note, about a year ago I started seeing a homeopathic chiropractor. I went to him for months. He had me take a good amount of supplements (for thyroid, for energy, for yeast, etc.), he did adjustments, he did stuff for my allergies, he changed my whole diet, he made me wear different colored glasses and tell myself that I am worth it, etc. I tried really, really hard to go that route. My sister loves this doctor and he's helped her a lot and I was really hopeful that this would work out so well for me too. I didn't see any results with the allergies after three or four treatments and after so much time, the supplements made me really sick. I felt nauseous every single day. I could't live like that and so I stopped taking them. I just wanted you to know, that I didn't hop right on the antidepressant band wagon.)

Anyway, this is getting super long and I'm sorry about that, bear with me for a little more. I started on a really small dosage and I've worked my way up, if you don't know anything about antidepressants it takes up to eight weeks for them to fully work and the beginning side affects kind of suck. For me it was more headaches and insomnia. That went away after about a week but when they upped the dosage it came back. I'm still trying to figure out the insomnia part. :/

I want you to know something about anxiety though. I didn't realize how much energy I was exerting to be normal in public. Its hard for me to be around people I don't know, I hide that. I like people, I like making new friends, but its a scary and terrifying thing for me sometimes. Loud noises are hard for me, substituting in Primary took all my self control to remain calm because when the children get really noisy, it makes me feel insane. It makes me feel like someone is banging the side of my head every time someone bursts out. I just want it to be quiet. I need that quiet. This is the best way I can put how anxiety works for me: I have to think about every single thing that could possibly ever happen to me (especially if its bad), because then I have control over it. If I've thought about my house exploding, then I'm prepared for that eventuality and it probably won't happen just because I've thought about it. Its the things I HAVEN'T thought about that are going to hurt me. I'm also pretty obsessive, if something bothers me (it could be anything and I never know what its going to be--it can be bobby pins for goodness sake) it is going to be stuck on rewind in my head for days, it is going to replay and replay until I can figure out a way to make it stop. Basically my mind is like a hamster wheel, going in circles, constantly thinking about things, constantly analyzing things, constantly wondering why this is going on or what I should do about that and never getting anywhere. Its exhausting. And I've lived this way for a long, long time without realizing that it wasn't okay.

I've been on the medication for almost two months, and I feel like its starting to help. I'm still tired (the whole insomnia thing...) but I feel like things are starting to turn around. Christmas is the most stressful time of the year for me, its gotten so bad the last few years that I was starting to absolutely hate Christmas. Truly. This year was so odd, I knew logically in my head that I should be stressed out because I had a lot to get done and there was only three days until Christmas but I just WASN'T stressed out. I just felt like, it'll be fine, I'll get done what I get done. When I could remember how I felt the year before and how tense and high strung and manic I was, it was such a weird feeling to know that I SHOULD be like that, but I wasn't.

I'm still getting used to this and all it entails and where I'm supposed to go with it long term, but for now I thought it was time to share. Its something I want to share, but I'm scared for people to know. I'm scared what people will think, I'm scared of the judgement. But I also believe that we hide too much of ourselves, and we walk around thinking we're the only ones like this, and that everyone else is great and normal and fine, when really we all struggle with something and maybe we need to stop with the act so we can reach out to each other and just help.

So friends, here's me sharing what this last year was really like for me. Thanks for listening. :)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Things I Want My Children to Know

What I want to talk about right now is my children. My oldest is now in the fifth grade. At the end of 4th they did the whole "puberty/body changing" lesson. It was a really great opportunity to sit and talk with her about things that aren't necessarily very comfortable to talk about it. And it got me thinking about some things I want my kids to know that I probably don't take enough time to sit and talk to them about.


So here's an open letter to my kids:



                             What I wish for all of you to learn, earlier rather than later in life:

 First of all, I wish for you to not let other people dictate how you feel about yourselves. What I mean by this, is that if someone (anyone: a friend, an adult, a stranger, some kid on the playground) says you're not good at something, or makes fun of you, or teases you--to not let that matter. It really doesn't matter what anyone else says because YOU are amazing. You astonish me with your creativity, your sense of humor, your capacity to love people, your ability to learn things so quickly. I look at you in awe, I stare at you and can't believe you are mine and God is letting me keep you for awhile. You are super special, and so is everyone else. Remember that people say things all the time for lots of different reasons that might hurt us. Maybe they feel bad about themselves, maybe they're jealous of you, maybe they're just feeling mean that day, maybe they didn't think what they said was all that mean, whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter. Words are careless sometimes, and sometimes YOU will say things that hurt other people. Don't let your self worth depend on what other people think of you. Who are they anyway? Focus on what God thinks of you, and God thinks you're pretty wonderful. Thats all that matters. (Let me tell you a trick, if someone makes fun of you, shrug it off and don't let them know it bothers you. Even better, don't let it actually bother you. :) If you can laugh and say "Oh well, does that make you feel better about yourself?" things will be easier. Promise.)

With all your awesomeness and specialness, that still doesn't make you better than other people. Don't act superior and arrogant and bring other people down. You'll find a lot of people like that. Nobody likes it. Whether you really ARE smarter than someone, ARE better than someone at something, remember humility because there are better people than you out there too. Be kind and grateful for the things you are good at, and don't ever make someone feel less than you. They're God's child too.

Laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh some more. Find humor in things instead of focusing on the bad. Its going to be hard. Its easy to point out the annoying, bad things in life. Its much harder to go through a terrible situation and find something to smile about. Do that though and your life will be so much easier. I love this quote by Marjorie Pay Hinckley: "You can either laugh or you can cry. I prefer to laugh, crying gives me a headache."

Don't be afraid to resolve a situation. That doesn't mean to say mean things to people whenever they bother you, but it also doesn't mean to let people walk all over you. If someone treats you badly, in a calm way tell them how you feel. They might yell at you, they might get upset, they might never want to talk to you again. Thats their problem and they will have to resolve it. (It might hurt you a lot too.) Still, you get to dictate how you let people treat you, and if people can't be nice, you don't HAVE to stay around them. Sometimes its hard to remember when we're taught to be nice to everyone, that we don't have to be best friends with everyone. Still be nice but set boundaries. Thats ok.

Pray. Turn your heart to God, He will never fail you. Pour your heart to Him, He will listen. He understands. He will ease your burdens and give you answers. But remember, He doesn't just take everything away, you have lessons to learn and you must learn them, so pray to know how to learn the lesson, not for Him to take it away. You will become stronger from these lessons and an even better person, the closer you draw to God, the more your heart will be open to learning and loving and getting answers. Always stay close to Him, you will never regret it.

Its okay when you make mistakes! We all do it! Nobody is perfect and you are just not going to be. Sometimes you will mess up, sometimes really badly. I will still love you and so will God. Don't expect yourself to be perfect right away, don't let the guilt of mistakes make you not want to try anymore. When you do mess up, take care of it and try again to do better. Work a little more and a little more towards doing the best you can, but you can't expect to do everything perfectly and right every single time. Just keep trying, thats all I ask. Don't give up.

Work hard. You're going to see people all around you and their lives are going to look perfect and better and more appealing. That is a lie. You don't know their whole situation and even if things do seem easier for them, they aren't. To get good things you have to learn to work hard. You're expectations of what you want, can't exceed how hard you work. If you want something a lot of people don't obtain, you have to be willing to work harder and take the time to get there. And its okay to be satisfied with less than what others have. There is no reason to think you need a ginormous house or make tons of money to feel legitimate. Think about how silly that sounds: This person is better than me because their house is bigger and more expensive. Thats dumb. Are they a nice person? Do they treat people respectfully? Do they serve and love and help others? THAT makes a good person, not possessions. Learn this lesson and you will feel so much happier than constantly competing with the people around you. Its just not worth it.

I may not be perfect at these things, but having lived my life so far, I know if I had learned these things and put them into practice earlier I would be so much happier. I'm not saying my life would be easy, we still all have trials and hardships, but so much happier. And THAT is important.

Your mom loves you so much! I only want to give you the most important things in life, and that doesn't always include "stuff." I want to give you the best parts of me even though I fail and mess up. There's another lesson I had to learn: parents aren't perfect. We're people too. We don't always know how to control ourselves or whats the best thing to do in a situation, but we are trying our hardest to do our best. So try and remember that for me okay?

Love, Mom


I could probably still add a lot more, but it just got too long. :) What else would YOU add? Is there something really important I left out? Isn't being a parent so hard sometime?!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Thats the Way the Cookie Crumbles...

...I don't know I just really want a cookie right now.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Sleep Deprived In Seattle

Hey guys, I just wanted to pop in here and just say...something? I don't know, I just know that lately my posting has been inconsistent and a little nutso. And I'm sorry about that.

I mean, to be honest, I AM a little bit nutso and sometimes I struggle with that, which is why I blog about it because a lot of the time it helps me work through things when I talk about them or write them down.

I've really struggled the last little while with having no energy. I've been really, really REALLY tired and I'm not sure why. I mean, I'm ALWAYS tired. I've been tired for the last eleven years since I started having kids, but this lately has been an all time low and its just starting to sink in for me that it is really not normal.

I've pretty much spent the whole summer trying to get my feet underneath me and failing. Last summer I had a great schedule; we went to the library every Monday, we went to a different fun park with friends every Wednesday, we had our ward play group every Thursday, etc. etc. I tried to do the same thing this summer and I just couldn't make it happen because I was so dang worn out!

So now school's here and I'm trying to get back into a new routine and I'm hoping against hope that I can figure out whats going on with my body and somehow get control of it.

I know what you're thinking right about now: GO TO THE DOCTOR FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!

I get it, I do, I would probably say the same thing to my friends; but there's also this: I feel so stupid going to the doctor because I'm tired. It seems so lame. And when you're so super tired it feels like so much work to drive out to the doctor and talk about stuff and all that...jeez, I sound so lazy. But thats kind of the point! I have no energy to do anything not even help myself. Blah.

And thats about it. I'm working on it. I'm working on getting organized and pushing myself to do things even though I'm tired, I'm working on keeping up with my schedule, I'm working up to the doctor. I'm trying, I'm actually really trying.

Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever just been so worn down and for no apparent reason, you haven't had a super stressful time or pushed yourself any differently than normal, but you're just so tired??

I would love some advice, or experiences or pretty much anything--and I'm sure my family would appreciate it as well. :)



I think I've yawned ten times just in the typing of this. Ugh.

Friday, August 16, 2013

This Post is Very Personal and Probably too Graphic. You've Been Warned.

I'm sure this post has been written hundreds of times, by hundreds of women who have had enough with "that time of the month." And all I can say to that is: here comes another one.

For the last couple of years my period has been a little screwed up. Like I get to experience the joy of womanhood every TWO weeks. Wah for me, I know. It sucks. (And for those of you who are thinking, "why don't you go to the doctor then?" I say "Shut up. I KNOW!" Here's how it goes every two weeks: Crap. My period is here AGAIN. I should call the doctor and get this figured out. Except I feel like total crap and want to hibernate for the next week. Eight days later my period ends. I have tons to catch up on, like laundry and feeding my children. I just want to LIVE for a week or so and be HAPPY! My period comes again and I have no desire to do anything, least of all make a phone call. Rinse. Repeat.)

And of course, this is the situation I'm in right now and thats why I'm writing this. Because I am SO SICK of being a woman. If there wouldn't be negative consequences for when I'm old, I would seriously just have it all removed. I know they say after women go through menopause they mourn the loss of their "womanhood" or whatever and I say: eff that, yeah right.

I know men like to pretend that women exaggerate all the womanly stuff and at this point in my period, I'm pretty sure I could rip a man's head off with my bare hands and throw it into the next county. Come again man? You really want to go there?? And I know if a man read this, they would roll their eyes and act like I'm just a raging crazy person. But you know what? Right now I AM a raging crazy person--thats the point!

I'm going to be honest, the men I know--for the most part--are pretty big babies. They can hardly deal with a little sniffle, let alone if they bled out of their hoo-hah for seven days. Add to that, massive cramps and a hormone roller coaster, they would be begging to get off this ride.

And the thing is, I'm not even exaggerating one bit. I'm really being quite honest. Right now, I'm sitting at my computer dealing with horrendous lower back pain, feeling like if someone just looks at me wrong I could get pretty violent, swinging back to laughing hysterically over a funny cat video, to weeping openly over a commercial. This all happens in a matter of minutes. And thats just the hormones!

Then we get to the different ways to actually deal with the flow:

There's pads. Its so fun to feel like you're walking around in a diaper.

There's tampons. I once got a tampon lost up inside me. Do you know how scary that is?! Because not only are you dealing with something foreign up there, you could now possibly DIE from toxic shock syndrome. Yay.

There's the diva cup. I personally can't use tampons (they don't work because I have a tilted uterus) and I'm so sick of pads that in a fit of desperation, I ordered a diva cup. This is supposed to be miraculous and life altering. I wish I could explain how this actually feels for me. The best way I can describe it is like having a giant fist shoved inside you, pushing on your bladder and organs and my body just wants to expel it from my system. It feels like my body wants to give birth to this thing: its time, push it out NOW!! Besides that once you do go in there to remove it you look like you've been in a bloody battle and frankly, I just never wished to know myself that well.

To sum it all up: there just isn't any "GOOD" way to deal with bleeding down there. There is nothing thats super convenient and "nice," or comfortable, like you "can't even feel it!" The best thing I can think of would be to just sit in the shower for seven days straight. I think I could dig that.


And the point of all this?: maybe we as women (and maybe you men too) should cut us some slack. Maybe when there's a woman you really don't like, instead of thinking "she's such a *bleep*" you can think "dang, I bet she's on her period, and that sucks so bad!" Or maybe when you see a woman crying and upset, instead of thinking "wow, she's a mess, she needs to get her crap together!" you can think "that poor woman has been bleeding out her hoo-hah for days now, I'd be crying too!" You know??

I'm not saying to use it as an excuse to act however you want. I'm not. I'm not saying people should get to be jerks without consequences. I'm just saying, on your end to deal with that person, maybe its easier to think they must be going through something instead of they're just a jerk. Does that make sense? And I'll try to do that for women now. I will really try.

I mean, unless I'm on my period and then I'm just going to hate everyone. Okay then?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I've Been Reading Too Much

Hey.

Its been a long time.

I know my last post was a real downer. I really do feel better about the whole 'making friends' thing now. I still don't have a ton of friends, but at least I don't feel bad about it anymore. I'm making some better friends but I'm willing to give it time to happen and not need it RIGHT NOW.

So while I wait, I read. Like every day and as much as possible and late into the night. I can't get enough of escaping into a story.

I realize this is possibly me hiding from my life.

When my husband was gone at basic training and I was pregnant with my fourth, I was so super stressed and couldn't handle the loneliness and the hormones and the craziness that was me, and so to help the time pass and to get an escape, I read...a lot.

Except this time, I don't understand what the escape would be from?

My life is good right now, my kids are happy, I have an easy calling at church, I don't have a ton of things putting pressure on me. I just feel tired. And anxious.

I find myself at certain times of the day with my face turning red and my stomach dropping, like there's something I forgot to do or something is going to come out of nowhere and bite me. Do you know that feeling? That awful feeling when you realize you were supposed to be somewhere important and you missed it, or you were supposed to get something important done and it slipped your mind and then BAM it hits you and you feel sick.

I feel like that constantly, except that I'm not forgetting anything.

I realize we all go through changes in the scheme of growing up and figuring out who we are. We go through highs and lows, times where we feel in control of our lives and ourselves and times where we feel like life is dragging us around by our ankles against our will. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm both. In a high and a low. Where nothing is wrong but maybe not all of its right either. Where I know who I am and what I want but am a little confused too. People go through cycles, there are times where my mom is the funnest person around and I love to talk to her and be around her and then there are times where things feel off and we're not connecting like we were. And thats normal.

And I guess I need to remember that this is okay for me too, things aren't always in sync and I need to allow myself the room to grow and change and be okay with that. To discover this journey instead of fight against it.

Do you get what I'm saying? Have you ever felt like this? What do you do to kick start yourself and get back to where you feel more in control of yourself or your life or whatever?

So. There's that. Thats whats on my mind right now. And also I really want a donut.

I promise next post will be cheerful. Or funny. Or something other than depressing. ;) Promise.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Oh, Here We Go Again...

Its that time again: the one time a month I feel like blogging because I'm on my period and hormonal and crazy and in a rant.

I've been thinking about friends lately, and I realized that for the most part, I've always been the "sidekick" kind of friend. I like to pick someone with a strong personality, and I want to be their little favorite buddy. I want to nuzzle into their side and make them like me, and thats pretty much how things have gone for me. Me, feeling insecure, wanting to find a friend who's confident and will let me hang on for the ride.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I don't need someone else's confidence anymore, I'm good with who I am. But there's also this: I'm lonely. I wish this moving to a whole new place and making new friends didn't have to be so dang hard, and take so dang long!

So when's it my turn? When do I get MY little sidekick who seeks ME out and wants to be MY best buddy?? HUH??

Why don't I have someone that wants to just stop by and hang out with me at my house? No one EVER wants to come to my house! WHY?! I don't get it and I feel a little offended over it, I feel a little indignant for my house's sake. Like I need to reassure it and tell it that there's nothing wrong with it, people are just dumb sometimes.

I know I'm not the most outgoing when I first move somewhere new, its hard for me to walk up to strangers. I don't know if you're nice, if you're weird, if you're going to talk back to me, if you're going to yell at me, I don't know whats going on around here, I don't know anything! But I've tried really hard to be friendlier lately, really! We've been in this ward for six whole freaking months, I've been to play groups, I raise my hand in Relief Society to answer questions (to looks of: "who the crap is she??"), I go to baby showers of people I have no idea who they are. And while I'm there, the people are fine, they are nice, I feel like we could get along but the feeling I get most is that they already have their little groups and since they have friends they don't need to worry about making an effort more than the obligatory invite to play group. I went to our ward Temple night and stood outside with a member of the bishopric and his wife and the Primary President, who didn't say more than two words to me.

And maybe I'm too prideful, but I'm not going to just throw myself at people.

And now this is me taking a deep breath and letting it all out. *wwoooooooossshhh* I'm done. I don't care anymore, and by that I mean, I still want friends but I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore. I will still work on it, but I won't let it get me down. (I hope.)

Alright? Is that better? Sorry for this regurgitated rant that keeps coming back. I don't know why its been so frustrating this time around. (I think maybe its because I made such great friends in our old ward, its hard not to compare how friendly that ward was and then the fact that those great friends are only half an hour away is making it hard to let go.)

Do you make friends in a new place easily? What are your tips? What do you do to get to know people? (PLEASE please PLEASE, give me some tips!) Are you the sidekick or the main friend? Do you hold everyone together or are you happy to just have one friend and call it good?