Friday, April 12, 2013

Oh, Here We Go Again...

Its that time again: the one time a month I feel like blogging because I'm on my period and hormonal and crazy and in a rant.

I've been thinking about friends lately, and I realized that for the most part, I've always been the "sidekick" kind of friend. I like to pick someone with a strong personality, and I want to be their little favorite buddy. I want to nuzzle into their side and make them like me, and thats pretty much how things have gone for me. Me, feeling insecure, wanting to find a friend who's confident and will let me hang on for the ride.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I don't need someone else's confidence anymore, I'm good with who I am. But there's also this: I'm lonely. I wish this moving to a whole new place and making new friends didn't have to be so dang hard, and take so dang long!

So when's it my turn? When do I get MY little sidekick who seeks ME out and wants to be MY best buddy?? HUH??

Why don't I have someone that wants to just stop by and hang out with me at my house? No one EVER wants to come to my house! WHY?! I don't get it and I feel a little offended over it, I feel a little indignant for my house's sake. Like I need to reassure it and tell it that there's nothing wrong with it, people are just dumb sometimes.

I know I'm not the most outgoing when I first move somewhere new, its hard for me to walk up to strangers. I don't know if you're nice, if you're weird, if you're going to talk back to me, if you're going to yell at me, I don't know whats going on around here, I don't know anything! But I've tried really hard to be friendlier lately, really! We've been in this ward for six whole freaking months, I've been to play groups, I raise my hand in Relief Society to answer questions (to looks of: "who the crap is she??"), I go to baby showers of people I have no idea who they are. And while I'm there, the people are fine, they are nice, I feel like we could get along but the feeling I get most is that they already have their little groups and since they have friends they don't need to worry about making an effort more than the obligatory invite to play group. I went to our ward Temple night and stood outside with a member of the bishopric and his wife and the Primary President, who didn't say more than two words to me.

And maybe I'm too prideful, but I'm not going to just throw myself at people.

And now this is me taking a deep breath and letting it all out. *wwoooooooossshhh* I'm done. I don't care anymore, and by that I mean, I still want friends but I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore. I will still work on it, but I won't let it get me down. (I hope.)

Alright? Is that better? Sorry for this regurgitated rant that keeps coming back. I don't know why its been so frustrating this time around. (I think maybe its because I made such great friends in our old ward, its hard not to compare how friendly that ward was and then the fact that those great friends are only half an hour away is making it hard to let go.)

Do you make friends in a new place easily? What are your tips? What do you do to get to know people? (PLEASE please PLEASE, give me some tips!) Are you the sidekick or the main friend? Do you hold everyone together or are you happy to just have one friend and call it good?


  1. I'm a friend floater. Always have been. Sometimes I'm the sidekick, sometimes I'm the main friend. Depends on the person I guess. I haven't lived in a new place in so long I'm probably not the right one to give advice, but I can tell you that the new people who move in to my ward that seem to find friends the fastest are the ones who jump right in. You didn't say if you have a calling in your new ward... If you don't, go tell the bishop you want one. :) Find the girl sitting by herself in RS and sit by her and say, "Can I sit by you? My name is Melinda, it's nice to meet you!" It may not get a conversation going, but it lets them know you have a voice.

    Maybe you've already done all of that... Those are my best thoughts. It takes time to build friendships, especially in long time established wards. Before you know it, you won't be the new girl anymore. Someone will come along and take that place from you. Be patient. Let them see the real Melinda and they will love you. We have never met in person, but I love you! Let them see that side of you that we see on your blog.

    It will get easier! Don't give up! :)

  2. I'm sorry. It's hard to leave friends and then be surrounded by indifference. I recommend just diving in. Volunteering at school. Ask the bishop for a calling. Let your RS president know you are available to help people. Then just be your lovely exuberant self. If you lived near me I would be happy to be your 45-year-old chubby sidekick and show up at your house with my hellions in tow. :)

  3. I hear ya...been there done that many times. Sucks sometimes. I related to several things you expressed here.
    I think I am a little more of a "sidekick"
    My very very best friend in Utah (for 25 years) hardly ever would drop by my house, I was ALWAYS going over to her house. Used to bug me, but that's just the way she is.
    Now that I live in the country I don't see people very often at all. My "best friend" here lives an hours drive away. Kinda hard to just "drop in".
    I have great neighbors, but they don't call me up for lunch, and stuff like that.
    I am not active, so rarely go to church (my bad)......(will work on that someday).....but when I do, NO ONE comes over to say hi. I went to one RS activity and felt so "alone there", that I have not gone to another one.
    It is GOOD !!!! that you are getting to a place where you are less affected by it. I understand that it is not so much that you DON'T CARE...I believe you are a very caring person. But, you get to a point where it can not keep festering you.
    I have found also, at my age.....I dont need AS MUCH the frienship circles I did in my "early motherhood" years. I am more comfortable with myself.
    My children and grandkids are formost in my mind now.
    BUT they live a mere 16 hour drive away. So that is a total bummer when I long for grandkids to drop by for cookies.

    I guess there are some things in life that ARE what they ARE....and the best we can do for ourselves is remain true to who you are.
    The RIGHT friend will find you time.....and you will be her gem.
    I believe that.

  4. I know. I know EXACTLY what you mean and where you are. I think you are military now too, yes?

    This is how it has been for the last two moves, but this one has been the most difficult place to find friends. I'm like you, I want the kind of friendship that allows for regular, unannounced -even, house visits.

    It was this way for me in Utah for the first 6 months or so. My blog friends saw me through that time. Then I scrapped the group I'd tried making friends with and hosted a couple girls nights at my house. I made invitations and handed them out personally at church, and people actually came. Then my visiting teacher was also made my visiting teachee and she's now one of my bffs. We were Lucy and Ethel. She's in AL now, and I'm in CO, but we still talk on the phone about once a week.

    Colorado has been harder because I'm on base and most of my ward is not. Which means it's hard for me to host girls nights or lunch visits. I've been here for three and a half years. They are incredibly nice people. Friendly. Giving. I have a handful of friends, but not any that are the kind of girlfriend I really long for. There is a definite click in this ward. I'm kind of on the fringes -because I'm invited to book club and they all laugh over inside jokes and talk about things they did together, that I wasn't invited to be part of -and it's awkward, but I honestly don't even realize what they're doing. I feel like an outcast, but they don't think of me as one. Does that make sense? I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know how hard it is. Hang in there though. And don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Here my best friends are not members of the church, they are other military wives.

  5. I will come to your house uninvited, and sit out in your tree, Edward Cullen style.

  6. I'm shocked to hear that you're the sidekick friend because you're so spunky and smart and creative and fashion-forward and talented! I don't think there's anything bad or sad about being a sidekick friend- everyone has a place they feel comfy, however if you're wanting to find a new spot I think thats great.

    I've not moved much, but I remember crying my eyes out when I first moved into my current ward because I felt like such an outsider for so long. I actually did ask my bishop for a calling. It helped. So did all those things that you said you're doing. Just show up...For everything. Volunteer for meals. Raise your hand in class. Go to the playgroups. This sucks to accept, but it just takes time. Sheryl moved 10 minutes away and it nearly killed her.

    Ive heard over and over that you have to give yourself 2 years to feel comfortable and at home in a new ward/area. Be very very patient with yourself. Its not just you- this is hard for everyone.

    I might just jump on a plane one day and show up at your house. Keep the pull out couch made up for me...

  7. You bring up some very interesting points. I am one of the "pioneers" in my ward, I have been in the same ward since I joined the church more than 40 years ago, (yes, I am really old. Well not that old just maybe a generation ahead of you, I have children your age). I come from the perspective of seeing people come and go and I must say that the ones that jump in with both feet first seem to connect right away. I admit that some wards are more friendly and inviting than others, having served in many stake callings I can tell you that each ward kind of has it's own personality, some more welcoming and friendly than others for sure. It sounds like you are doing all the right things by putting yourself out there. One of the things that has always been done in our ward is to call new move-ins to leadership callings. Are you ready to be Relief Society president?

  8. Somehow I wasn't following this blog.... This kind of breaks my heart for many reasons... This ward does suck.... People suck..... There is so much I want to write but I can't,


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