Thursday, June 13, 2013

I've Been Reading Too Much


Its been a long time.

I know my last post was a real downer. I really do feel better about the whole 'making friends' thing now. I still don't have a ton of friends, but at least I don't feel bad about it anymore. I'm making some better friends but I'm willing to give it time to happen and not need it RIGHT NOW.

So while I wait, I read. Like every day and as much as possible and late into the night. I can't get enough of escaping into a story.

I realize this is possibly me hiding from my life.

When my husband was gone at basic training and I was pregnant with my fourth, I was so super stressed and couldn't handle the loneliness and the hormones and the craziness that was me, and so to help the time pass and to get an escape, I read...a lot.

Except this time, I don't understand what the escape would be from?

My life is good right now, my kids are happy, I have an easy calling at church, I don't have a ton of things putting pressure on me. I just feel tired. And anxious.

I find myself at certain times of the day with my face turning red and my stomach dropping, like there's something I forgot to do or something is going to come out of nowhere and bite me. Do you know that feeling? That awful feeling when you realize you were supposed to be somewhere important and you missed it, or you were supposed to get something important done and it slipped your mind and then BAM it hits you and you feel sick.

I feel like that constantly, except that I'm not forgetting anything.

I realize we all go through changes in the scheme of growing up and figuring out who we are. We go through highs and lows, times where we feel in control of our lives and ourselves and times where we feel like life is dragging us around by our ankles against our will. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm both. In a high and a low. Where nothing is wrong but maybe not all of its right either. Where I know who I am and what I want but am a little confused too. People go through cycles, there are times where my mom is the funnest person around and I love to talk to her and be around her and then there are times where things feel off and we're not connecting like we were. And thats normal.

And I guess I need to remember that this is okay for me too, things aren't always in sync and I need to allow myself the room to grow and change and be okay with that. To discover this journey instead of fight against it.

Do you get what I'm saying? Have you ever felt like this? What do you do to kick start yourself and get back to where you feel more in control of yourself or your life or whatever?

So. There's that. Thats whats on my mind right now. And also I really want a donut.

I promise next post will be cheerful. Or funny. Or something other than depressing. ;) Promise.


  1. I TOTALLY understand what you are saying. It sounds like you are dealing a heaping dose of anxiety. I do that too. I remember being where you are... age wise and parent wise. You are in a tough place, but I promise it will pass. I remember being so glad when I got into my thirties and ready for that next step, but uncertain at the same time. I'm going through that again as I inch towards the big 4-0 in a few months. Your kids are getting ready to jump to that next season... it's kindof scary and exciting all at the same time. It's so hard to describe it and put it all into words... and that may not be it at all for you, but I do understand what you mean when you describe what you are feeling. Hang in there!

  2. Let yourself be happy.

    Also: I find reading a bit on the addicting side. ;)

  3. I completely get this concept. In my case: For every good thing in my life I tend to concentrate on the bad thing to even it out. Does that make sense. Good: I talk to my best friend every day. Bad: Wahhh I'm not best friends with everyone I meet. Good: My kids are healthy and content. Bad: Waaaaah it's loud in here and I'm never alone. Good: I got an amazing new calling with amazing women. Bad: Wahhhh I'm busy and have to work hard.

    I'm SO much better at the wah and need to look around and be grateful for the good aspects more. And I know this won't last forever...there will be much better (and prouder) moments in my life and then I'll probably have some moments that aren't my finest and I'll want a do-over or for the happy moments to come back.

    I'm so GOOD and TALENTED at rambling. What was my point again?

    Oh, right. I love Heather's advice: To let yourself be happy. Like...every day. "Just for today, be happy!"

    I love you. And I'm mad at you that you're not in Utah. (see? WAAAAAHHH)


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