Things That Need to Be Shared

I have a sort of tick in my brain that won't let me move on from things stuck in there very easily. This may be because I've missed a few days of medication...

Anyway, there are a few things that I can't get out of my head, and I think the world needs to know these things.

First up, a few days ago my husband and I went on a little lunch date. As we were driving, Iggy Azalea's song "Black Widow" came on (AGAIN--seriously radio stations, lets mix it up okay??)--and we were feeling giddy with freedom and started joking around, it went something like this:

♫ ♪  black widow baby... ♪ ♫

Husband: She's not even black.
Me: Yeah it should be "white widow baby!"
Husband: Or Aussie widow baby.
Me: Totally!
Husband: Or--the dingo ate your baby!
Me: laughing hysterically

I hope you know the reference. AND I sincerely hope every time you hear that song you sing "the dingo ate your baby!" Because I sure as heck do.

I want you guys to know that I love broccoli. I do. I think its really delicious and wonderful. Of all the gross vegetables out there, you can't beat broccoli or carrots. Mmmmm, carrots. Anyway, I finally got my crap together and made some freezer meals and cooked one yesterday. Which happened to be beef broccoli teriyaki. And you know whats NOT nice about broccoli? Its extremely pungent. My whole house yesterday smelled like cooking broccoli. My kids came home from school and crinkled their noses and said "WHATS THAT SMELL?!?!" I went to bed last night and could smell it in my room. I woke up this morning and the smell is still here. 

I'm never cooking broccoli again.

So we've become the official dog watchers. We consistently watch three dogs every couple weeks/month-ish. This week we'll have two of them together! I love it, but my husband is wondering how this happened? SOOooooooooo, I convinced him that we should get a puppy for Christmas! A PUPPY! I am so incredibly beyond excited for this, I can't even explain! Can you just picture how awesome its going to be to surprise my kids with a PUPPY on Christmas morning?!? Its like out of a freaking movie! They will remember this Christmas forever! I just want to add that the dog we're watching right now is very very old and just farted behind me and I think I'm going to die. Wow. BUT I'M STILL EXCITED FOR A PUPPY!!!

Guys. GUYS! Its happening again! That time of year where I want to chop all my hair off! What am I supposed to do?! I seriously don't want to grow out a pixie cut again, but I saw the cutest pixie the other day and felt like I got punched in the stomach--I WANT ONE! Ugh. Hair shouldn't be this hard. In an effort to get some of this out, I shaved the side of my head. Wanna see? 

Can you see it? Hmmm, I don't have many pictures on my computer... Oh, how about this one?

So anyway, I kind of have the itch to cut all my hair off and dye it super blonde. I also have been really wanting to chop it above the shoulders and dye it lavender. I love that so much! Here have some more pictures:

 I think after Halloween, this is what I'm going to do ^^ And then, I can switch back and forth between the blonde and the lavender (see below)  (side note--why is there no down arrow thingy??)

But I'm also really tempted to just do something like this ^^ since I already have the shaved side. Not sure how its going to work with the shoulder length cut. We'll see. Tough decisions my friends.

So whats your vote? What do you think I should do? (Knowing full well, that once I get something stuck in my head its eventually most likely going to happen...)

Oooh OH! I am SO EXCITED for Halloween!! I LOVE IT! We finally figured out what we're dressing up as and I'm obsessed with it and so stoked! WHOO! Can't wait to show you guys! Now if I could just get my kids to settle on ONE costume instead of changing their minds every two seconds, that would be great. But seriously, how can people not like getting dressed up?!? SO FUN! So what are you doing for Halloween? Do you have a party you go to every year? Are you a boo humbug kind of person? Are you not the dressing up type? Why?? I just can't wrap my brain around that! ;) 

Okay, fine. I should go. Gotta pick my medication up from Costco!

I'm a Realist Gosh Darn It!

So uh...I recently discovered GOMI. Have you guys been there?? Do you know what Get Off My Internets is?

Basically its a site dedicated to snarking and complaining about all the big blogs out there and what you don't like about them. I got turned on to it through NieNie Dialogues instagram account, she had some fluke with her name being changed and people were going CRAZY about it and then there was a fake instagram account that was making fun of her and it was horrible and pretty hilarious at the same time...because I'm sort of a bad person.

See, if you're a really positive person, who only sees the best in people, who always looks at the bright side, who never complains or gossips or is negative: you won't get this.

I wouldn't say I'm a positive person, but I also wouldn't say I'm a negative person either. I would describe myself as a realist.

Let me explain more: I grew up with a mother who HATES dishonesty. I don't care for dishonesty much myself but I feel like this emphasis on honesty in my young life and growing up, put me in a position to feel like when you pretend someone is nicer than they are, its a lie and I don't like it. Does that make sense? Have you ever had someone say something flat out rude to you, and you KNOW exactly what they meant, but when you tell someone about it they're all like "Oh I'm sure they just meant this, or they were meaning it in this way!" And in your head, you're just like "no, they weren't. They were being rude and we all know it."

I'm not saying I don't want to see the good in people, I'm not saying I don't WANT to be more positive, but I feel like I just don't want to delude myself about people's intentions and by doing that get hurt by them because I refused to see that they weren't a nice person and now they've done something horrible. Really am I making any sense??

Anyway, the point of all this is (there probably isn't a point but...) sometimes I really do just want to snark on people. Because people do things that are annoying and sometimes you just want to feel validated that you're not the only one who feels this way. So when I started reading GOMI (for the most part) I was like I SO GET THESE PEOPLE!! (disclaimer: there are definitely people who take things too far and are much too nit picky and I don't agree with them, I just get the need to talk about things that annoy you without feeling like a completely horrible person.)

I also want to say something about blogs and people's blog personalities. I hope everyone realizes that what you are seeing on a blog is NOT that real person. I lay things out here and they are honest to me, but still it is only a slice of who I am, and sometimes not the slice I always want people in real life to see... ;) So while you MIGHT be reading a blog of someone who you THINK is genuine, odds are: not really. I have friends that I know very well in real life and their blogs are a very much put together display of what they want people to see. There are things on their blogs that are so opposite of what they say and do in real life it astonishes me that they don't feel fraudulent. But they don't see it that way, they see what they want to see and they put out there what they think their lives are like.

So I guess I feel a little less bad complaining about a person who's not even completely "real"-- just an image of what they want to put out there...but I still feel kind of guilty...I'm complicated.

Anyway, if you have tons of time to go through all the forums and find the blogs you like to read and sometimes love to hate and read some of the hilarious things people think of them, I won't judge you since I've spent a ridiculously amount of time on there...its kind of addicting...

But really, how do you feel about this kind of thing? Are you the forever optimist? Are you super negative? Or do you think you're just being real?? And can the optimist, pessimist and realist get along??

Why I Will NOT Appreciate Barf Right Now

I posted this to Facebook today:

              I just want you people to know its been at least 12 years since I got a good nights sleep. You might want to think about that before you have kids... we're dealing with vomit this week! Yay parenthood.

And within minutes a friend of mine (whose kids are all grown up) posted this response:

              It is the worst thing ever! But don't wish too hard that it stops - because before you know it, your kids will be gone and you will only wish you had some throw up to clean up!!!


Really friend?? REALLY?! I mean though...really???

I honestly cannot imagine a time in my life where I'll be sitting around wishing that if only I had some barf to clean up. Nope. Nope nope noooooope.

I know this is something that gets thrown around to young moms all the time. And ya know what? It really isn't helpful. Its easy for you to say when you don't have to actually deal with barfing, diarrhea, nasty sickness. And I really doubt that the people who say this, when they were young moms appreciated doing these things. Talk about hypocrisy. So if you didn't appreciate it then, you can't tell me to now.

Really though, whats the point of saying that to someone? A much more helpful thing to say would be: "Oh man! I so remember how awful that was to deal with! I'm so sorry!!" And leave it at that.

Because I can assure you I will NEVER actually WISH to clean up feces. I will NOT miss doing ridiculous amounts of laundry. I WON'T crave sleepless nights. I will not WANT to deal with tantrum throwing, snot mouthed brats who make me crazy.

YES, of course I will miss having little kids. I will wish for little hands to hold, and little bellies to tickle, and little smooshy cheeks to kiss, and little bodies to hug and little giggles and laughs and games. I WILL wish for those things. But I won't want the other parts back. Dude. For real?

And one more thing, even though I'll miss my own kids being little I don't like the thinking that once my kids are grown up I'm all alone. I'm not going to be alone, they'll still be part of my life. I will still get to have great, fun, fulfilling relationships with them and the cherry on top is that eventually I'll get grandkids and I'll have little kids around again--ones I don't have to do their laundry! This all sounds good to me, not bad. I just would rather be excited about my kids growing up and be positive than dread "being alone" and empty. Boo to that I say!

Okay, I think I've got that off my chest. It was too much to reply back on my Facebook status. Plus I didn't want to lose a friend. ;)

My...Crying...Valentine

Its Valentine's Day! A day of love and flowers and candy and spinning in fields of flowers!!! Whee!

I don't really care about Valentine's Day either way. Some people hate it, some people love it. I don't have strong feelings about it at all. I think its weird that people hate it because who hates love? But then I started thinking about all my own weird quirks and I realized the husband and I were talking the other day about how much I love sad love songs...

Really, I do. Some of my favorite songs are about heartbreak and sadness. Its not because I like broken hearts, its not because I'm heartless, and its not because I hate love. Really, I think the reason that I love sad songs is because they're so beautiful and emotional. I like tender songs, I like songs that make you feel like the emotion was ripped from the singer as they were singing it. They just seem more meaningful to me or something.

So in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm sharing some of my favorite heartbroken songs. Tell me they don't get you right in the gut! I dare ya! :)

Say Something- A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera



Your Letter- 112 (sorry about the crappy video quality)

Just Give Me a Reason- Pink feat. Nate Ruess

You Were Mine- Dixie Chicks

My Immortal- Evanescence

Funny Feeling- 112
 

 Landslide- Stevie Nicks (but I like the Dixie Chicks version)

 Someone Like You- Adele

I Will Always Love You- Whitney Houston

 All Cried Out- Allure and 112 (apparently 112 have the best sad songs!) :)


What are your favorite sad songs? What would you add to my list? And a happy Valentine's Day to you!

A Little Bit of Me

Every year since 2009, I've done a yearly review post, all my favorites, all the good and maybe not so good things that happened to us that year. And maybe...a really small maybe...I'll get to that. But I doubt it. Because you know what? This has been one of the weirdest years I've ever had. And although we did do some really fun and good things; if I think back on the year as a whole, I was very much wrapped up inside of my head and this year feels pretty lonely.

First of all, I feel like this is like some bare your soul kind of post so be prepared for that and its loooong. Sorry. This is hard for me to write, its pretty personal and something I'm still trying to figure out and deal with. If you remember, I wrote a post awhile back about being extremely tired. Basically, I've spent months being tired. And this isn't like you didn't get good sleep tired, its I can't exercise because 2 minutes in I'm exhausted and about to fall over, its vacuuming the floor and having to take a nap afterward, its getting one main thing done in my house because that is my limit for the day, its feeling completely overwhelmed by having to do anything MORE, not wanting to add anything to my plate because I can't DO ANYTHING but lay in bed and feel tired, tired, tired.

In that post I talked about not wanting to go to the doctor. I kept hoping against hope that I would just snap out of it, that if I rested enough eventually I wouldn't be tired anymore. When that didn't work, I tried making myself do stuff. When that didn't work, I finally gave in and went to the doctor. I went and did blood work, I get a lot of headaches and migraines so as a precaution he had me do a CT scan (funny side story on this for a future post), but before we even got the results the doctor said something that made me laugh: he said he thought I was depressed. He had me fill out a test and said that based off the answers, I was kind of severely depressed. I laughed and said I don't think so. I thought it was the opposite: I'm tired which is making me depressed--how happy are you when you haven't been able to do anything for the last six months except be exhausted?? He thought the depression was making me tired.

So I went home and waited for the test results. I told my husband that the worst thing they could possibly tell me was that nothing was wrong and that I'd have to go on living like this, which I just couldn't do anymore. And what do you think the test results all came back as? Nothing was wrong. No thyroid issue, no anemia, no problems with the CT scan. Nothing.

I started researching what he said about depression, I read and read and took other tests to gauge if I had depression and it still just didn't fit to me. I didn't really feel bad about myself personally, I felt bad I couldn't do anything or live the way I was used to but I didn't hate myself (any more than any woman feels guilt or not living up to what she feels she can). I was still interested in all the things I was before, I just didn't have the energy to DO them. I didn't want to commit suicide. So in my research I came across some things about anxiety and it hit me. THAT was what I needed to be researching. And so I started reading about anxiety, and I started seriously freaking out. I started having major anxiety about having anxiety. I was probably on the verge of an anxiety attack when my mom called. She said she had a feeling I needed her to call, and it was good because I really, really did. We talked for about an hour about everything I was reading and how I was feeling and it helped me come out of my own head a little bit.

So when I went back to the doctor we talked about that a little bit and he said, well, I want to put you on medication. Honestly, I know how people feel about medication, especially antidepressants. I was scared that it would change my personality, I was scared what people would think of me, would they think I'm crazy? Would they not want their kids to be around me because they think I'm unstable? There was a lot of fear in starting medication, but the overwhelming thought was that I would do anything to not feel like this anymore. If you haven't been there, don't judge.

(Side note, about a year ago I started seeing a homeopathic chiropractor. I went to him for months. He had me take a good amount of supplements (for thyroid, for energy, for yeast, etc.), he did adjustments, he did stuff for my allergies, he changed my whole diet, he made me wear different colored glasses and tell myself that I am worth it, etc. I tried really, really hard to go that route. My sister loves this doctor and he's helped her a lot and I was really hopeful that this would work out so well for me too. I didn't see any results with the allergies after three or four treatments and after so much time, the supplements made me really sick. I felt nauseous every single day. I could't live like that and so I stopped taking them. I just wanted you to know, that I didn't hop right on the antidepressant band wagon.)

Anyway, this is getting super long and I'm sorry about that, bear with me for a little more. I started on a really small dosage and I've worked my way up, if you don't know anything about antidepressants it takes up to eight weeks for them to fully work and the beginning side affects kind of suck. For me it was more headaches and insomnia. That went away after about a week but when they upped the dosage it came back. I'm still trying to figure out the insomnia part. :/

I want you to know something about anxiety though. I didn't realize how much energy I was exerting to be normal in public. Its hard for me to be around people I don't know, I hide that. I like people, I like making new friends, but its a scary and terrifying thing for me sometimes. Loud noises are hard for me, substituting in Primary took all my self control to remain calm because when the children get really noisy, it makes me feel insane. It makes me feel like someone is banging the side of my head every time someone bursts out. I just want it to be quiet. I need that quiet. This is the best way I can put how anxiety works for me: I have to think about every single thing that could possibly ever happen to me (especially if its bad), because then I have control over it. If I've thought about my house exploding, then I'm prepared for that eventuality and it probably won't happen just because I've thought about it. Its the things I HAVEN'T thought about that are going to hurt me. I'm also pretty obsessive, if something bothers me (it could be anything and I never know what its going to be--it can be bobby pins for goodness sake) it is going to be stuck on rewind in my head for days, it is going to replay and replay until I can figure out a way to make it stop. Basically my mind is like a hamster wheel, going in circles, constantly thinking about things, constantly analyzing things, constantly wondering why this is going on or what I should do about that and never getting anywhere. Its exhausting. And I've lived this way for a long, long time without realizing that it wasn't okay.

I've been on the medication for almost two months, and I feel like its starting to help. I'm still tired (the whole insomnia thing...) but I feel like things are starting to turn around. Christmas is the most stressful time of the year for me, its gotten so bad the last few years that I was starting to absolutely hate Christmas. Truly. This year was so odd, I knew logically in my head that I should be stressed out because I had a lot to get done and there was only three days until Christmas but I just WASN'T stressed out. I just felt like, it'll be fine, I'll get done what I get done. When I could remember how I felt the year before and how tense and high strung and manic I was, it was such a weird feeling to know that I SHOULD be like that, but I wasn't.

I'm still getting used to this and all it entails and where I'm supposed to go with it long term, but for now I thought it was time to share. Its something I want to share, but I'm scared for people to know. I'm scared what people will think, I'm scared of the judgement. But I also believe that we hide too much of ourselves, and we walk around thinking we're the only ones like this, and that everyone else is great and normal and fine, when really we all struggle with something and maybe we need to stop with the act so we can reach out to each other and just help.

So friends, here's me sharing what this last year was really like for me. Thanks for listening. :)