Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Story: The Pet Shop

I was very much inspired by Cheeseboy's post about the story one of his 1st graders wrote. My oldest is in first grade and I thought, you know what? I'll ask her to just tell me a story and I'll type it up. Word. For. Word. Which I did. Now before you read her story, you have to prepare yourself. You can't just read the story, you have to read it like she told it. Which is dramatically. Here's what you should do. You should read it out loud, and read it like a little kid were sitting in front of you. You know, talk in a different voice, use inflections, that kind of thing. Because honest to goodness, thats just how she told me this story. Hope you enjoy:

Let me tell you a real story. I just made it up.

How about the one where my family is the cookies family.

Noooo, not the cookie one, I'm just thinkin'.

We had a dog and I gave my other alphabet soup to the dog and the dog ate it but it didn't go down to her stomach it went...into...her...brain. (dramatic pausing)

So then the dog started talking, and started to eat some candy and then another day we went to the zoo.

Wait erase that, erase that, I made a mistake.

We went to the pet store and we got a pet camel and I gave the camel the alphabet soup and it started talking --just like the dog. And then it started eating...crickets!! And bugs and butterflies and spiders. Except it didn't eat butterflies.

Then we went to the pet shop and saw a cute little bunny. I gave it the alphabet soup and then it started eating and jumped on my head and started eating my hair because it thought it was grass!! (At this point my four old BURSTS out laughing--like hysterically--she thought that was the funniest thing she ever heard!)

Then it started pinching my nose and eating my glasses and then it started eating Sam's diapers---HEEEHEHEHEHEHE!! This story's funny huh mom?!

And THEN it was Halloween, I dressed up like a can--wait! erase that, go back, I messed up, I didn't dress up like a can! And then one day we went back to the pet shop again and we saw a great elephant that was loving and nice and we wanted to get it and it wouldn't let us go with its trunk because it liked us so much, so we had to buy it. It was one dollar.

It started to eat Madelyn's clothes and then it started to suck her head in. And then we went to the pet shop again. Then we saw a cute little lion, but it was vicious, but it acted nice! But it wanted to eat people. Then when we brought it home, Maddie was going to give it a hug but it bit her head off. Then it bit her whole body off! Then it started to eat our chair!

Then I bought a little baby bear. It was also vicious. But then it started to lick us, started to be kind of fun and cute and then one day it got mad at the kitty cat and bit its head off. Then we bought a cute little baby dog and took all the animals home and got them their own homes. Then...it ended. The end.

There you go people, a story about...the pet shop? Animals? How much my daughter wants a pet? I'm not really sure but she thought it was hilarious and asked if I could print it out so she could give it to her teacher. What do you think Cheeseboy, would you like to receive this as an end of school year present?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Its Raining, Its Pouring, the Old Man is Snoring

When I was younger I was the heaviest sleeper. The kind of sleeper that wakes up in the same position as when they went to sleep, the kind that never ever EVER woke up once I was asleep. The kind that would sleep so deeply that I would talk and mumble a lot.

One time when I was really little I did something like yell out "Dad! DAD!!" and when he came in and asked what was wrong, I would mumble, "never mind..." This went on three or four times, until I'm sure he wanted to punch me in the face.

When I was 12 and went to 'Girls Camp' the first time, they tried to wake me up to go on a morning run and swim and got stuck into talking to me for about five minutes. "Well...I really WANT to go, but I'm just so tired..." until I finally woke up and said "What? Oh, no I want to sleep." And they left me alone, I'm sure wanting to punch me in the face.

One time when I was in high school I had a computer in my bedroom and my sister came in to use it after she had been out that night. I was sleeping, and the click clacking of the keyboard was making me crazy. Until I snapped on her and just started yelling. I think I called her some bad names. I was so out of it crazy that my mom didn't even say anything, I think I scared her. I chased my sister out of my room and went back to bed. She, I'm sure, wanted to punch me in the face.

Then I got married and had my first kid and I've never slept again. And now I want to punch myself in the face.

The end.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The PeePee Wars

It was a gray, overcast morning. The woman sat at her computer, checking her e-mail. The fussy baby sat on her lap. She had tuned out the whimpering and had patted and bounced and burped until there was nothing left to do. Suddenly, she felt a warm sensation on her leg. A very warm sensation and it was spreading. She quickly pulled the baby away to reveal the damp spot. She had been peed on. And it was on.

Baby one = mom zero.

It was a fairly cool day but the sun was shining. The woman pulled the carseat out of her mini van and proceeded to enter the doctor's office. She waited for an exorbitant amount of time when the doctor finally came into the room. He went about his doctorly business, poking and prodding and listening to heartbeats. The little baby had gotten poked four times and was a little angry. When it came time for the diaper to be pulled away and the doctor to check everything out, the baby had a plan. Just a moment longer, and...whizzzz. The doctor had been peed on. And it was on.

Baby two = mom feels stupid.

It was a nice day. The sun was shining and everyone was in a fantastic mood. The baby was wrapped up tight and sleeping in his play pen. The mom was cleaning up and the little sister was playing. As the little sister looked around for something new and interesting to play with, her eyes spotted something that caught her attention. What was this little piece of clothe? Its peculiar shape, its soft material, its uncanny resemblance to a little tiny birthday hat...she knew exactly what to do with it. The little girl turned around calling out to her mother. "Look mom! Look at my hat! hehehehe!" The mother yelped and quickly grabbed the object off her daughter's head, revealing the true nature of the beast. It was a pee-pee tee-pee, used to catch the pee when you change a little boy's diaper, and she had unwittingly placed it on her fair head. She had been inadvertently peed on. And it was on.

Baby three = mom... Actually I think that was a win-win that one.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sunshine and Songs

I love this song right now, it just makes me happy. Also the sun is shining and its beautiful out--there is nothing more beautiful than a sunny day in the Pacific Northwest! No joke!

Here's hoping you all have a gorgeous day!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Funny, funny

You know how on Facebook you can become a "fan" of all kinds of stupid things? Like you can become a fan of "that one time when we stayed up all night and it was awesome." I bet you thats a real group on facebook, I bet you its true and I totally just made that up. Some of the groups I think are actually really funny and I shouldn't mock it at all since I'm probably a fan of 50 different ridiculous groups. I can't help myself when I'm bored, I get clicky and its something to do.
The problem with getting on Facebook and seeing all the things you can "like" is I think of my own groups all the time. I think of them, and then promptly forget them. The only one I can think of right now is "if Maleficent hadn't interrupted Merryweather what gift would she have given baby Aurora?" I know. Thats why I promptly forget them. Because they suck. BAD.
Doesn't stop me from thinking of them though.
Just like when I was watching a lot of comedy a couple years ago, I would try and come up with my own comedy routine. It also sucked. BAD.
I like Chuck Norris jokes. I think they're awesome. Did you know that Chuck Norris is 70 years old?! I can't believe it, the man is a freaking machine. Some of my favorite Chuck Norris jokes:

~Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
~Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
~Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.
~When Chuck Norris was born the only one crying was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
~There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

HAHAHAha! I love it!

Tell me in the comments your favorite Chuck Norris joke, because he is the man and you should love him too. :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Seriously BIG LONG Post

Okay this post I'm just putting down anything and everything thats on my mind. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head and hopefully this will help get it out and then I can focus on actually doing what I'm supposed to (like cleaning bathrooms and paying bills, you know: crappy stuff).

~First up is the most important thing I need to blog. Got another dream package! YAY! Do you remember how I told you guys how much I hate the Post Office? Well, they either are really mad and trying to get back at me, or I was totally RIGHT--the Post Office really DOES suck! (I like the second option better. Because in that option I'm RIGHT!) Because it took a whole week for the package to get here (ridiculous) and when it got here? It was OPENED! Seriously people, the Post Office delivered a package that had been opened and things were missing! :( Atleast not the most important stuff was gone, but the chocolate was! HELLO?! And there was a card to explain everything and a button, I'm so irritated! Otherwise, THANK YOU THANK YOU Shellie for the awesome gift! The theme this last month was "My Favorite Things", so Shellie sent me some of her favorite things. Like for example, she likes words, so there was a word theme, and the mug is because she loves hot chocolate. My kids will NEVER be allowed to touch that mug, its MINE MINE MINE!! I adore the yellow frame, I know exactly where I'll put it! I love it all and I'm once again in awe of good friends and sweet people, it just doesn't seem to happen enough but I feel like I've been very blessed!

~I'm reading the last of "The Mortal Instruments" series and I wish I could just sit around all the time and read it (I mostly do so don't feel sorry for me) but then I feel so guilty about not getting done the things that actually NEED to be done. I really need the escape sometimes though. Plus I can't focus on anything except the story going on in my head, so I should just sit down and finish it so I can move on...right?

~I'm struggling a little with being a good person right now. I know this is terrible and really wrong, but I absolutely HATE it when people say they miss their husbands because they've been gone on a business trip for a few days. I know its unfair and they SHOULD miss their husband but I just want to scream and gauge their eyes out. I want to compare it to someone with cancer hating someone who has a cold. They can't help getting sick, but it could be so much worse... I really wish I could get over myself sometimes, especially because my own situation could be a whole lot worse too. I just hate it.

~I'm also struggling with being a good mom right now. I hate that I'm the "exasperated mom" right now. Have you ever met a mom like that? Who whenever her kids are around is just exasperated and impatient and wants them to go away? I feel like that ALL THE TIME. And I hate myself for it. Everytime they ask a question, or want me to get them something or breath or whatever, I want to just throw my hands up in the air and tell them to leave me alone! Isn't that awful?! I'm trying really hard not to do that, but boy I'm really tired of being the only parent around. REALLY tired.

~When I was in junior high I had a t-shirt that had a loaf of bread on it and underneath it said "baked". Seriously, my mom bought that shirt for me. (So random, but that is totally stuck in my head. I can't believe my mom didn't get what that meant. And I'm super embarrassed that I actually wore it and people SAW me wearing it. What if I wore it to church one day?! *edit: For those of you who are better than me and don't know what baked means, its another way of saying you're "stoned" or "high", or you've been smoking marijuana. Which was as far from the truth for me as possible.)

~I also was a complete nerd in junior high... And high school.

~I may still be a complete nerd.

~I took pictures of my sweet baby yesterday, and I'm posting some for you to see. If you don't care go ahead and scroll past, this is the last bit of my super long post. Thanks for enduring that! I know it got a little rough somewhere in the middle there.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Just A Suggestion

Dear Costco,

Although I really do enjoy your humongous vats of mayonnaise and chocolate muffins the size of flippin' softballs, I do have a few complaints. Why the crap do you have milk in square jugs? I know hypothetically it sounds like a space saver, but realistically all it does is make milk spill everywhere. They are ridiculously hard to pour from. Fix that please. Also, why the crap does it matter if people walk in the exit, or walk out the entrance? They are two feet from each other, does it REALLY matter? If someone's coming in to use the bathroom, do you REALLY need to have them go back OUT the exit, walk two feet around the brick column and back through the entrance? Its really annoying. Like I want to rip someone's head off, so annoying. One last thing, keep those samples coming...

The Complainer