(Okay I wrote this post this morning, spent a long time doing it too and when I was ready to post my stupid computer froze. I still feel really self conscious doing this but maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe it will make me feel worse, but its a risk I'm willing to take. I guess.)
So I don't normally do this. "This" being post on Sundays and/or post something so serious. But I really need to just get this off my chest, it is so all consuming that hopefully if I get it out there, I can actually think of something else to blog about. Hopefully, but not realistically...
So, the deal is. I'm depressed.
I have never in my life had issues with depression. The closest I've dealt with was after my first was born, I had the "baby blues" sort of thing. Where I just wanted to weep all the time. My mom would call, "How ya doin' honey?!" and I would say "...fine...waaaah" I didn't even know why I was crying. Just felt like crying. But it passed pretty quickly and that was that.
But this, this is different. If you'd like to be my therapist for a minute I can tell you why I'm so sad. (I'll try not to make this too long or too pathetic, but I can't guarantee anything.) So, this last year we lived in Utah. We'd been living in Utah for about five years, during which my husband was supposed to be going to school, but after awhile he found it was too hard to go to school full time, work full time, do homework and actually pass his classes. It wasn't working. So we (me) came up with a plan, he decided he really wanted to go into law enforcement. He applied back home, did their testing, passed everything but still didn't get a job because they only had like two jobs to offer. Next step, join the Guard because if he really wanted to go into law enforcement thats a big step to help you get in. Then we found out we were expecting again. In my hormonal state, I decided that we HAD to move right then, because if my husband was going to be gone, I wanted to be near my family and have their support. So we did it, we moved. What I didn't expect was to miss all the people, things and experiences we had in Utah SO MUCH. One reason thats making me sad right there. Then we start the process of joining the Guard, NOTHING goes the way we had planned. NOT ONE THING. Not the job he wanted, not the time frame, not the sign on bonus, nothing. There's another reason. Then we can go back to the fact that I'm pregnant, my husband is going to be gone when I deliver this baby. Gone. I don't know how to handle it at all, I am so freaked out/scared/sad/miserable over this. My husband leaves next week and I'm supposed to somehow do everything by myself. Biggest reason why I'm having such a hard time. Now add to that, we have absolutely no money whatsoever, so I get the great pleasure of stressing over bills and money and we probably won't even start getting paid until March. I want to throw up. And on top of that, I'm having problems with my in-laws and I just feel so alone.
And probably thats what it all comes down to. I feel so alone. I feel like if I don't call people or if I don't make an effort to keep in contact with people, I would be completely forgotten. I could not even tell you what it would do for me to have a friend show up at my door saying they were thinking about me. I'd probably burst into tears. I mean sure, if someone gave me a million dollars it would really help me out, I would feel a LOT better, but what I really want is some attention. How pathetic is that?
Its been a good lesson I suppose though, that now when I know someone's going through a hard time I can do something for them. Or the good lesson would be, don't make huge life changing decisions when you're pregnant? Anyway, I know that people aren't trying to ignore me, everyone has their own lives and their own problems to deal with, I get that. I'm just so sad its hard to get out of bed in the morning and I don't know how to make it better...do they give anti-depressants to pregnant women?
(I swear, I feel like such a whiner/pathetic loser. If I get some rude commenter that calls me names, I think I just may throw myself off a cliff. Please feel bad for me.)