Sunday, January 17, 2010

Serious Sunday

(Okay I wrote this post this morning, spent a long time doing it too and when I was ready to post my stupid computer froze. I still feel really self conscious doing this but maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe it will make me feel worse, but its a risk I'm willing to take. I guess.)

So I don't normally do this. "This" being post on Sundays and/or post something so serious. But I really need to just get this off my chest, it is so all consuming that hopefully if I get it out there, I can actually think of something else to blog about. Hopefully, but not realistically...

So, the deal is. I'm depressed.

I have never in my life had issues with depression. The closest I've dealt with was after my first was born, I had the "baby blues" sort of thing. Where I just wanted to weep all the time. My mom would call, "How ya doin' honey?!" and I would say "...fine...waaaah" I didn't even know why I was crying. Just felt like crying. But it passed pretty quickly and that was that.

But this, this is different. If you'd like to be my therapist for a minute I can tell you why I'm so sad. (I'll try not to make this too long or too pathetic, but I can't guarantee anything.) So, this last year we lived in Utah. We'd been living in Utah for about five years, during which my husband was supposed to be going to school, but after awhile he found it was too hard to go to school full time, work full time, do homework and actually pass his classes. It wasn't working. So we (me) came up with a plan, he decided he really wanted to go into law enforcement. He applied back home, did their testing, passed everything but still didn't get a job because they only had like two jobs to offer. Next step, join the Guard because if he really wanted to go into law enforcement thats a big step to help you get in. Then we found out we were expecting again. In my hormonal state, I decided that we HAD to move right then, because if my husband was going to be gone, I wanted to be near my family and have their support. So we did it, we moved. What I didn't expect was to miss all the people, things and experiences we had in Utah SO MUCH. One reason thats making me sad right there. Then we start the process of joining the Guard, NOTHING goes the way we had planned. NOT ONE THING. Not the job he wanted, not the time frame, not the sign on bonus, nothing. There's another reason. Then we can go back to the fact that I'm pregnant, my husband is going to be gone when I deliver this baby. Gone. I don't know how to handle it at all, I am so freaked out/scared/sad/miserable over this. My husband leaves next week and I'm supposed to somehow do everything by myself. Biggest reason why I'm having such a hard time. Now add to that, we have absolutely no money whatsoever, so I get the great pleasure of stressing over bills and money and we probably won't even start getting paid until March. I want to throw up. And on top of that, I'm having problems with my in-laws and I just feel so alone.

And probably thats what it all comes down to. I feel so alone. I feel like if I don't call people or if I don't make an effort to keep in contact with people, I would be completely forgotten. I could not even tell you what it would do for me to have a friend show up at my door saying they were thinking about me. I'd probably burst into tears. I mean sure, if someone gave me a million dollars it would really help me out, I would feel a LOT better, but what I really want is some attention. How pathetic is that?

Its been a good lesson I suppose though, that now when I know someone's going through a hard time I can do something for them. Or the good lesson would be, don't make huge life changing decisions when you're pregnant? Anyway, I know that people aren't trying to ignore me, everyone has their own lives and their own problems to deal with, I get that. I'm just so sad its hard to get out of bed in the morning and I don't know how to make it they give anti-depressants to pregnant women?

(I swear, I feel like such a whiner/pathetic loser. If I get some rude commenter that calls me names, I think I just may throw myself off a cliff. Please feel bad for me.)


  1. Oh, Melinda, I wish I could be there in person to bring you soup and chocolate chip cookies.

    I hope there is someone in your ward you could reach out to when you need a friend. We're here to listen!

  2. My heart goes out to you, girlie! I was going to make some light-hearted, off-the-wall crack to try to cheer you up---but I don't think this is the time or the place. You need a good old fashioned Mama hug from all of your friends!!! If it makes you feel any better...I read all of your posts and enjoy hearing from you!

  3. I would buy a plane ticket and come to you right now if I could! I would even support you through your labor and birth if you wanted (because I love that stuff and want to be a midwife...not because I'm a creep!) I know how it feels to be lonely. I feel that way a lot. I know it isn't quite the same to have all these blog people there for you instead of real people....but we are here for you!

  4. Oh I am sorry for you!!!!

    I do hope things look up and get better for you!!

    Best of all you get a new baby to bring peace and joy to your life!!!

  5. I'm so sorry that you're struggling. A move, let alone the rest of that stuff, will do that to me. Even when it's a good move, I suffer a funk. In fact, it's worse for me after moving than it is after childbirth. Like you, I don't suffer from depression so it's hard when I'm having those hard times to know how to overcome them. I'd say for me, the best thing is to read lots of good books and most especially to stay busy. It's pretty much the only thing that works for me.

  6. Hi Melinda!
    I don't think your whining at all! I know how it feels. When Bryce and I moved to Washington after he graduated nothing seemed to work out for us! After being at BYU-I for so long, moving to Washington was a huge culture shock for me! I feel embarrassed about that, after all I grew up in South Afirca! I didn't realize how easy it was to get used to "the bubble". But I did miss it soooo horribly! Your family was so wonderful to me that I felt so embarrassed about having the blues. It is a lonely thing and it never feels like it is going to end! But it will! You have the most adorable family, your awesome yourself and even though it is tough financially right now, soon David will have a career and hopefully finances will be better than before. Military does suck. Bryce joined a year already and he still hasn't even gone to officer school, it has been forever and my patience is really being tried and tested! But I know that everything is going to work out how it should, even though I can't see the reasoning right now! Hang in there! Missing in you here in Utah, we would have loved to hang out with you and you awesomeness family!

  7. Well, the good news is that because you don't normally experience depression the chances are this will be a single episode that will be over when it's over. (Rather than chronic depression which goes away, but comes back.) The other good news is that they do give antidepressants to pregnant women. There are specific ones that are known to cause problems (Paxil comes to mind). Be super honest with your doctor. It's tempting to cover up the depth of the symptoms. Don't. Just tell the whole dark truth. A good doctor knows the very real risks associated with depression.

    The bad news is that I have no idea where you live so I can't bring flowers or help find you a doula to help at your birth. Also your in-laws must be allowed to live regardless of their behavior. Sorry about that.

    Email me your general location in the world and I'll see what my network of midwifery contacts can come up with in terms of helpful people. Also chocolate could magically find its way to your house. Just sayin'.

    Love you.

  8. Oh, my dear. I am so sorry. I know what it's like to move like that, but I can't imagine having my husband gone as well. I know it doesn't sound like much, but keep praying. If nothing else, it should take the edge off.

    I wish I had the money to run up there and help you! I'll keep you in my prayers and I hope things turn around for you soon.

    (And it's not pathetic that you want a little validation. It's better than suffering in silence.)

  9. Melinda you don't know me and I don't even know how I came across your blog but I just wanted to say that reading this was like deja vu. One year ago exactly I was in a situation similar to yours, pregnant, no money, and living with in-laws whom I was having a hard time with.

    I wish you were my neighbor, I would totally be at your door because I know how that feels.

    Have patience and faith things will get better.

  10. Melinda -

    Been there - most of it. It's not easy to remain cheerful and happy when things aren't working out. I hope things get better. Focus on yourself, and pay attention to how you are feeling. Depression is real (I went through it last year when I had a mastectomy - it was awful. I never really believed in depression before that, but I do now). Stay close to your family, and especially the Lord. Prayer is the greatest tool. Wish I had a million dollars to give to you. Sorry I don't. I do love reading your blog! You are a great person.

    Take Care,
    My Story Moments
    Incredible Women

  11. Oh Melinda, I wish I could wrap my fat old lady arms around you right now. I SO GET IT. No, I really really do. I can understand the depression ---my hell, with everything you have going on.
    I am experiencing alot of the same things. It hurts to be so lonely. It hurts to not have your friends by you, to stop by, run to the mall with, just sit around in your house with. I miss that sooooo much I could cry too.
    changes are hard ---they just are
    Being pregnant, job change, new area, hubby gone, in law problems. Well, you have your hands full
    I won't say anything like "things will get better soon, hang in there, this will pass"
    although those things are probably TRUE (in time) it just doesn't seem to help at the time does it.
    I sometimes lay awake at night, tears running down my face feeling so alone.
    I love my husband and my decision I feel strong about, but there has been some really tough times.
    email me --send me your phone #. I have unlimited long distance. I'll just call you and you can cry and cry and I'll listen.
    love ya


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