Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire!

I was totally inspired by Chief's fake list of lies she posted yesterday, she kills me! But what's sad about her fake list is that it reminded me of real lies I've actually told! Sad I know, but really I think they're mostly pretty funny stories. Or horrible, you choose.

Lie #1:

When I was a junior in high school (I'm not telling you the year, I don't need to hear how "young" I am, and I don't want you to know), I worked for a grocery store name Safeway as a courtesy clerk. I bagged groceries, cleaned the bathrooms, got the carts from the parking lot. It was very glamorous. My very best friend's birthday party was that Saturday and I tried and tried to get someone to take my shift, but they wouldn't. I was NOT going to miss that party, so I called in sick and said I had food poisoning. A week or so later, I get called into my manager's office. "Melinda, did you really have food poisoning the other day?" "Uhhhhhmmmm, YES, I went to Taco Bell and got some really bad food and was throwing up all night. MMmm hmmm... thats it." Intense stares into my soul. "Now Melinda, are you sure there isn't anything you want to tell us?" I broke like a fat kid for a candy bar, "I'm so sorry! It was my best friends birthday....bawwwwl, bawwwl bawwl!!" I think I didn't get fired because they'd never seen anyone cry so hard. And just so you know it was a stupid girl who told on me. I hate her.

Lie #2:

When I was a senior in high school everyone could buy a senior t-shirt, made special for that graduating class. I WANTED one of those shirts, I did, I did, I did. But I didn't have the money for it, and my parents were cheap. Or I was too scared (or lazy) to ask them. So instead I took the receipt from my friend and rushed over right when the bell rang to the kid handing out the t-shirts and in a hurry said "here's my receipt from the office, I paid for my shirt, give it to me!" He acted a little suspicious, but hey I was cute so he gave it to me. I'm sure I will burn in hell for stealing.

Lie #3:

When I was in junior high it was report card time. Just in the middle of the year, so it wasn't like AS important as final grades. But I got a "D" in one of my classes. I didn't want the wrath of Dad, so I took a pencil and very carefully put a line through that "D" to make it look like a "B". It really looked good, my parents had no clue until later in the year the teacher called to tell them I was failing. Then the crap hit the fan.

Lie #4:

This happened in the last recent years and I still feel horrible over it because I'm an adult and should be able to handle myself. But alas, it happened and now you'll know I am a schmuck. So anyway, for a Young Women's activity we decided to play with marshmallow guns. Except when it came to that night, it was raining outside. So we thought, what they hay, we'll play inside...in the Primary room...Yeah. Smart. So we had a great time playing marshmallow wars, until we turned the lights on and realized there were hundreds of marshmallows stuck/ground/cemented into the floor. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, but we couldn't get all of them out. The next morning I went to the church for Humanitarian, and a sweet older woman in our ward was all "WHAT happened in the Primary room?!" And I was all like "I don't know....thats terrible...who would do that?"
Gah. I'm such a jerk.

Lie #5:

When I was in high school, the Palmyra Temple was being dedicated and all the teenagers were invited to watch early that morning as it was broad casted to the Stake Center. But we would miss a little bit of school, which was alright with us! So my mom wrote me a note to miss the first part of school and arranged for another lady from church to take me to school after. But when it came time to go back to school, some of my other friends weren't going to go. So I told the lady that I had another ride and went back to one if their houses with them. I stayed at my friend's house ALL DAY. Like I didn't come home until like seven that night. My mom was PISSED and wasn't going to write a note for me to be excused the next day. So I forged a new one. (Guy I sound horrible!) But my mom had called the school the day before, so they knew I didn't have a note from her. I think I got detention for that one. And a lot of grounding at home.

So there you go, can we still be friends? Tell me some of your lies so I feel better.


  1. I am laughing my butt off!!!!! Everytime I EVER called in sick and I wasn't...I would really get sick within a couple of days and then had to go to work anyway!!!

  2. I have never lied in my life. I am perfect.

  3. Oh, you had me laughing this whole post! I used to lie so often that I can't even really remember one specific time that I was lying! I think I missed like every Friday of the last half of 5th grade because I was "sick" (oh yeah, and my mom is a sucker! She totally would have known I wasn't really sick.)

  4. That is so freaking funny. This reminds me of the time when I was an undergrad in World Civ and hadn't gone to class for like, 4 weeks, and realized I was going to fail, so I went it bawling and told my teacher I was just getting over mono. She let me turn in all the work I had missed. But I still feel awful to this day!

  5. I told you all of my lies already...hehe

    you were a naughty little minx weren't you!

    I loved the comments here too. H & Q, the same thing happens to me when I call in sick!

    Ok. So here's one. When I got pulled over I batted my eyelashes and told the cop that "my brother was a cop in another county and died in the line of duty and so I know how hard of a job it is and I really respect you" and so he let me off with a warning, said that they like to take care of their own and out of respect for my brother, he will let me go. I will burn in the depths of hell for that one!

    I win

  6. LOL! i love you so much. after a very bad day of feeling like i was in the depths of hell it felt good to have a good belly laugh.

    thanks so much mel! seriously LOVE YOU!

    you inspired me to do a post like as well!

  7. Um, I think that I have repressed all the lies that I have told.

    I'm pretty much in denial about where I'm headed. . .

  8. We did the school lie once when my Mom was out of town. Forged Dad's name on the note for my sister and I to be released from Jr. High early. The school was not dumb and called my Dad. We were SHOCKED when Dad backed up our obvious lie and came to pick us up. When we asked him WHY he did it, he said that if anyone were going to get us in trouble for that it was going to be him. I love my Cream Puff Daddy.

  9. hahahahahaha, I didn't know about number 5, that's pretty funny!

    Okay here's one...when I was 18 I was working at a restaurant as a busser and there was this hostess girl that was pretty ditzy. Not just ditzy, but kinda dumb. So me and this waiter friend (he was 12 years older than me) told everyone that he was my half-brother...which, of course, he wasn't. We said we had the same mom, different dads, and even people that knew me were questioning it. IT WAS HILARIOUS! So I came across this girl a few years later and she was asking me how my brother was doing (what? how the heck does she know my brother?). Instant realization...crap. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was a joke (yeah that's it); so I lied and told her he was doing great, wrapped up the conversation, and ran outta there. Not a terrible lie, but the problem is I still come across this girl every now and then; to this day that girl believes I have a half brother that owns a jazz themed restaurant.

  10. Never!!
    Just kidding, little lies are just fine in my book it's oh we stay calm!!

    I always made up lies to get out of work in high school!

  11. Oh Melinda, Melinda Melinda, I am sooo disappointed in you ---surely you can come up with BETTER LIES THEN THAT (tee,hee)
    I think we are all guilty of "a little fibbing" from time to time.
    (emma, the comment above is my daughter) I didn't know she lied?????? I'll be having a talk with her.

  12. well, I think it is my daughter, (couldn't pull up a photo) I have a daughter named Emma.
    she is a doll.


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