Happy happy Joy joy

Thank you so much everyone for your very sweet and caring comments--truly it warmed the cockles of my heart! Now since my last post was all about what makes me sad, its only fitting that this post should be about what makes me happy!

The lovely Rachel over at Trapped Between a Scream and a Hug (I would link, but I'm on the world's most annoying computer and it keeps freezing and erasing my post every time I try to, so...sorry.) gave me a Happy award and I just love her for it!

So here ya go, my list of what makes me happy:

1. Chocolate. Specifically right now the combination of chocolate and peanut butter. Yum....

2. TV. Specifically HGTV, TLC and Bravo. Love the shows they play, love "Divine Design" and "The Little Couple" and all the Housewives shows...my escape from reality.

3. My own place. Even though the neighborhood we're in isn't the best and I'm terrified to be alone here, I actually really like our townhome (our neighbors are getting better at the loudness thing too, so that helps). I can't imagine how much more crazy I would be if I didn't have my own place to take care of and do my own thing in!

4. Crafts. Not that I'm doing much crafting lately, but just the idea of doing some makes me happy. I have a list going so when I actually have the time/money I can do some fun projects.

5. Shopping. I haven't been shopping in a long time, part of that being I'm fat and pregnant and don't really want to buy anything (the other part being I have no money, duh), but generally shopping makes me happy. Especially if its a steal! Like the other day we found winter boots for my daughter for $3.50! Whoo!

6. Dreams. Sometimes my dreams are terrifying, but thats because I'm pregnant and have weird pregnancy dreams. But its the dreams of what the future holds and what can happen someday can be pretty fun!

7. My family. I love my extended family, its hard to stay feeling really bad when you're around people who are funny and love you so much. I love spending time with my family and I'm really grateful for them.

8. My kids. Although there are times where I want to rip my hair out (or theirs...), my kids are good kids and they make me so happy. They say the funniest things, they do the funniest things, basically they're crack ups.

9. My husband. Also one that can drive me nutso at times, but makes me so happy most all of the time. Just the fact that he's so willing to try and listen to all my ridiculous complaints and whines, I am totally lucky.

10. The gospel. What else can I say? I would be miserable, I would have no way of dealing with the things I go through if I didn't have the gospel to guide me. SO LUCKY!

Alrighty, I won't pass this on to anyone because like I said before I can't link up, but if you want to participate please feel free! Thanks guys!

Serious Sunday

(Okay I wrote this post this morning, spent a long time doing it too and when I was ready to post my stupid computer froze. I still feel really self conscious doing this but maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe it will make me feel worse, but its a risk I'm willing to take. I guess.)

So I don't normally do this. "This" being post on Sundays and/or post something so serious. But I really need to just get this off my chest, it is so all consuming that hopefully if I get it out there, I can actually think of something else to blog about. Hopefully, but not realistically...



So, the deal is. I'm depressed.



I have never in my life had issues with depression. The closest I've dealt with was after my first was born, I had the "baby blues" sort of thing. Where I just wanted to weep all the time. My mom would call, "How ya doin' honey?!" and I would say "...fine...waaaah" I didn't even know why I was crying. Just felt like crying. But it passed pretty quickly and that was that.



But this, this is different. If you'd like to be my therapist for a minute I can tell you why I'm so sad. (I'll try not to make this too long or too pathetic, but I can't guarantee anything.) So, this last year we lived in Utah. We'd been living in Utah for about five years, during which my husband was supposed to be going to school, but after awhile he found it was too hard to go to school full time, work full time, do homework and actually pass his classes. It wasn't working. So we (me) came up with a plan, he decided he really wanted to go into law enforcement. He applied back home, did their testing, passed everything but still didn't get a job because they only had like two jobs to offer. Next step, join the Guard because if he really wanted to go into law enforcement thats a big step to help you get in. Then we found out we were expecting again. In my hormonal state, I decided that we HAD to move right then, because if my husband was going to be gone, I wanted to be near my family and have their support. So we did it, we moved. What I didn't expect was to miss all the people, things and experiences we had in Utah SO MUCH. One reason thats making me sad right there. Then we start the process of joining the Guard, NOTHING goes the way we had planned. NOT ONE THING. Not the job he wanted, not the time frame, not the sign on bonus, nothing. There's another reason. Then we can go back to the fact that I'm pregnant, my husband is going to be gone when I deliver this baby. Gone. I don't know how to handle it at all, I am so freaked out/scared/sad/miserable over this. My husband leaves next week and I'm supposed to somehow do everything by myself. Biggest reason why I'm having such a hard time. Now add to that, we have absolutely no money whatsoever, so I get the great pleasure of stressing over bills and money and we probably won't even start getting paid until March. I want to throw up. And on top of that, I'm having problems with my in-laws and I just feel so alone.

And probably thats what it all comes down to. I feel so alone. I feel like if I don't call people or if I don't make an effort to keep in contact with people, I would be completely forgotten. I could not even tell you what it would do for me to have a friend show up at my door saying they were thinking about me. I'd probably burst into tears. I mean sure, if someone gave me a million dollars it would really help me out, I would feel a LOT better, but what I really want is some attention. How pathetic is that?

Its been a good lesson I suppose though, that now when I know someone's going through a hard time I can do something for them. Or the good lesson would be, don't make huge life changing decisions when you're pregnant? Anyway, I know that people aren't trying to ignore me, everyone has their own lives and their own problems to deal with, I get that. I'm just so sad its hard to get out of bed in the morning and I don't know how to make it better...do they give anti-depressants to pregnant women?

(I swear, I feel like such a whiner/pathetic loser. If I get some rude commenter that calls me names, I think I just may throw myself off a cliff. Please feel bad for me.)

Whats in a Name?

I cannot blog! Mostly because after two seconds of sitting in this chair, I am so extremely, ridiculously uncomfortable I want to throw up and scream at the same time! I'm a short girl (5' 2", thank you) and I just don't have enough room in there I guess. This baby thinks he's allowed to fiddle on my ribs as often as possible, and its actually pretty painful! Oh yes, I said "HE", we just found out last thursday that we're having another little boy! (Heaven help me!) Not that I don't love my son, I love him waaaaaay more than my girls, but he smells bad. And he breaks stuff. And he pinches and bites all the time. I'm a little afraid about how this next baby will even survive. We'll keep our fingers crossed for when the time comes.

Right now our biggest challenge (you know, besides paying our bills and not going into a deep depression) is picking out another boy name. I find boy's names so much harder to pick than girl's!
Here are my issues with picking a boy name*:

1. It can't be common. I don't want a John, or a Mike, or a Shawn or something everybody has heard of for forever.

2. It can't be weird. Although I don't want a common name, I also don't want a weird name that sounds weird-like.

3. I like names with meanings. So that means I want a family name or a church history name or a name of someone that meant something to me, not a name that I just saw in a book and said 'yup sounds good.'

4. I want a name that will grow with him. I think certain names are adorable...for a little boy. But that little boy has to grow up and be a man, and what if he wants to be a doctor or a lawyer or someone super important and I named him Skippy?

5. My husband doesn't like anything I like. He's dumb.

So there ya go. Do you think I could make this any more hard on myself or dramatic? I probably could, don't put it past me. The other problem is that my husband is leaving in a week and a couple days and we would love to have it picked before then. How bout that, did I make it even better?

Now that you know the circumstances, could you help me out? I would love some name ideas or some suggestions on how you picked your kids names, pretty pretty please?!

*Please don't feel bad if you named your boy John or Mike or Shawn, I don't care, I think they're great names, I just have issues. Like, there's something wrong with me. I don't judge other people how they name their kids, they can do whatever. This is just how my mind thinks. :)

NOW NOW NOW!

So I'm back again, how's it going? For me? Its going....well, its going.

I was making a menu for the month, and realized I only have two weeks before my husband leaves for basic training and then he'll be gone for five months. Ugh. It hit me not well.

I've been having a recurring thought lately. It just keeps popping up. Maybe its on my mind because everyone's making resolutions and goals and its making me reflect. Maybe not. Who knows?

So what I've been thinking about is all these things I'd like to have and do and be. As in, I would love to sew quilts, and paint and craft. I'd also love to buy a house and decorate it. I would also love to go on a REAL vacation, you know, a really AWESOME one. And while I think its great (and necessary) to have goals and look to the future, I also think we're very much a generation of NOW. We can't be satisfied with SOMEDAY. We can't be happy until we are perfect and have everything we dream of RIGHT THIS SECOND.

I'm trying really hard to tell myself, its okay to not have those things right this second. You can work towards those things later. You don't have to know how to sew and quilt and craft right now, you have years and years and years to do those things. You can be a world famous author when you're fifty, why do you have to have it now?

Right now, you're life is raising children. Improving the things in yourself you can control. Not wasting every minute wishing and dreaming for something you can't have! I need to find joy in the moments and be happy with what I have. All the while I can still make goals and want things, I'm not saying thats bad, I'm not saying we should be complacent and give up hope for better things.

I think it comes down to being thankful and finding joy in what you do have.

Its hard though, really hard. How do you guys do it?

"What I Meant to Say"

I am having such a hard time blogging lately! I don't know why besides the fact that there's drama in my life and its using up all my brain cells. So I'll try my best to do Chief's "What I meant to Say" Wednesday and actually be somewhat funny-ish. I'll try, but I have a feeling its going to come off bitter and angry. Sorry.




First situation: At the shoe store my 4 year old has to pee, I go to the lady at the counter and ask her if they have a bathroom, she tells me no (after ignoring me for a couple minutes until I finally say EXCUSE ME) and then proceeds to ignore me some more until I ask her where the nearest bathroom actually is. Its down around the corner, in the rain and I'm fat and pregnant. When I get BACK to the shoe store she asks me if I found a bathroom alright? What I say: a quick nod. No words at all.

What I meant to say: Are you kidding me that you don't have a bathroom anywhere in here for a little kid so she doesn't pee all over your floor?! Where do you freaking go when YOU have to pee?! And don't patronize me after ignoring me, you're freaking lucky I have a giftcard here or else I WOULDN'T HAVE COME BACK!


Second situation: A huge group of teenagers are walking in the middle of the street I'm driving down. I'm going slow and waiting for them to move out of the road, when one of the girls right by my window yells at me and tells me to move or stop or some other stupid crap, I say through the window: Are you kidding me? You need to get out of the road!

What I meant to say: Listen here idiot teenager, what you're doing is illegal and I really should just run you over. If I wasn't worried about going to jail I would do it happily. Jay walker.

Last scenario: When the lady at church called my 18 month old a "nuisance" I stood there with my mouth agape.

What I meant to say: I will kill you dead.

2009 You're Sublime! Or Something Like that...

So I've hijacked my sister's laptop in an attempt to give 2009 a final nod (we get internet on Monday; hallelujah!!) and I hope you guys really appreciate this because its taken me forever to do! :) So here you are, some of my top highlights of 2009 and a big hello to 2010!

Favorite Song:
#1: Halo by Beyonce

runners up: Tonights Gonna Be a Good Night/Black Eyed Peas and pretty much anything by Lady Gaga :)

Favorite Movie:

I haven't seen Avatar yet or I'm sure I'd say that one, so I guess I'll go with either Harry Potter or The Princess and the Frog. I didn't get out to a lot of movies this year, darn.

Favorite TV Show:
America's Next Top Model: PETITE season
(I SWEAR I missed my chance in life, next season won't be for short girls AND I'll be too old--so soooo sad!) ;)


Favorite Book:

Fablehaven series, I know these books aren't brand new, but there's a new one coming up soon! But I ate this series up and just adored it, his writing gets better and better each book!

Favorite Vacation:

Well, since pretty much the only vacation we took was up to Washington, I'll choose that one. :)


Favorite Outfit:

Orange cardigan, I wore this sweater a LOT. Writing this right now sucks because I'm fat and pregnant and I don't like anything I have, so coming up with a favorite outfit was rough!


Favorite Person:

I think normally this section would be like your favorite movie star of 2009, but I don't know any famous people. And since we've moved and I miss a lot of friends, I have to give a little shout out to my friend Shanna who I really just got to know this past year and I adore her. (I have lots of amazing friends that I miss terribly, just focusing on someone from this year ya know?) So anyway, I want Shanna to know that I truly admire her as a person, she's taught me a lot, been a great friend and listened to me go on about whatever for hours, she's so awesome!


Most Drastic Change:

Moving to Washington, and joining the Army Guard. And getting pregnant.

Highlights:

*kids birthdays & fun holidays

*trip to Vegas

*painting Isabel's room



*photography


*playing with cousins


*a very fun summer


*Niki's wedding

*finding out we're expecting again (could possibly go under the next category depending on how you look at things) :)

*new nephew Liam!


*youth activities



Lowlights:


*Sam really sick :(

*Grandpa Larry's passing


*Sam swallowing the needle = awful

*packing up everything in 2 weeks

*missing friends & family from Utah like my heart would be ripped out


I'm sure I can think of lots more highlights and even some lowlights, but I'm tired now and I ate WAAAAAY too much for dinner and I feel stretched. Hope you enjoyed this little look back on this last year, hopefully we'll take what we learned and make next year even better!

I BELIEVE

Wow wow wowwow WOW. I'm a little bit on a high right now! Like serious euphoria, where my head feels all light and my eyes won't quite focus, I think my body doesn't know how to handle this much excitement--its been too long!

So we just found out we've been approved to move into a townhome! I hate to jump the gun and somehow it doesn't work out and you'll find out lately that I've killed myself, but they're drawing up the lease right now and hopefully we'll get moved in the next day or two.

ITS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!!

I am so gosh darn happy right now I think I just may pass out.

Sorry and a Christmas Letter

Wow guys, I just noticed I lost a follower! Terrible thing to do at Christmas, where's your sense of giving?! Whatever.

So I've been a terrible blogger/reader/commenter AGAIN, and I have to apologize AGAIN because my life is just seriously in upheaval. Its a little bit rough, if I do admit. But I miss you guys and I think of blog posts all the time and then forget them. (I haven't been sleeping well, and I'm pregnant, my mind is mush.) So I'm going to add the Christmas letter I sent out for you all to read, yes it has my kids' and my husband's names and probably more info. than I should share but I'm going to do it! And just so you know, Queen inspired me to write my letter this year because I wasn't going to do it until I read her post about Christmas letters. :)




Christmas Letter 2009

Its that time of the year again, which means I need to write a Christmas letter. Now over the years I’ve written many a Christmas letter (and by many, I mean approximately seven), some were just fine, some not so good (like the one I did as a poem, except it didn’t rhyme so good-like), and my personal favorite was last year’s “scriptural” letter; but this year I’m going in a different direction. I read the other day that people don’t like Christmas letter’s, I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t so I read on, and the reason was because they felt like it wasn’t “real”, that people built up their lives into sounding much better than they actually were! “Well”, I thought, “I don’t make things up, I just look at the positive…right?” So in an effort to ‘keep it real’ I’m going to be completely honest in this letter. I’ve really held back in years’ past, just so you know.

Starting with David…well lets see…we found out recently that Dave’s a genius (although colorblind) and got excepted into a highly acclaimed school (I’m not telling you which but it might rhyme with Hamford…). We are a little disappointed its not a better school, to be honest. And since he’s so smart, he’ll graduate in only five months! He’ll be going the end of January and coming home the end of June of next year. Hopefully he’ll come home even more toned than he already is (seems impossible really now that I say it), and full of persistence, dedication and army green clothes.

Then there’s Bethany, she finished up kindergarten and started 1st grade, kind of the way things go, unless you’re a genius of course. She also learned how to ride a bike without training wheels this past summer and can do flips off the roof and other phenomenal tricks you couldn’t possibly imagine. She loves to make art masterpieces and is really starting to read some big books, I caught her with the encyclopedia the other day almost finished.

Madelyn just recently turned four and is as girly as can be, she loves dresses and dolls and princess stuff and algebra and designing clothes. She’s still a tiny little thing, weighing only a few pounds more than her brother and wearing clothes almost two years smaller than her age, but we like her that way. Fun size.

Samuel is one and a half right now, he’ll turn two in May (I had to put May because last Christmas letter I said he was born in June! Woopsy!), he’s doing all the normal things 18 month olds’ do. Like reciting the Declaration of Independence and building toy trucks to play with, oh how he loves his trucks! We love all his funny mannerisms and the way he shrugs his shoulders when you ask him a question!

Last but never least, is me! I started out the year as Young Women’s president still, and went on many, many exciting trips without my family of course; to exotic places like Yuba and Heber and such. By the end of the summer we all took a trip up to Washington for Dave’s sister’s wedding and decided we liked it so much we’d move there! So we did that in October (moved to Washington that is), but not before finding out “SURPRISE!” we were expecting our fourth baby (yes, on accident. That’s what the ‘surprise!’ means. You know you were all wondering.). This baby flips and kicks like a champ, I’m positive it will be an athletic prodigy.

So in a nutshell, that’s us and that was our last year! I hope you found it very refreshing and not at all “braggy” or “unrealistic”! And if you read between the lines very carefully, you’ll see what our year was actually like!

Now for the most truthful part of the whole letter: I’ve been feeling very “Cindy Lou Who” lately, as in “Where Are You Christmas?” and all that. I think this time of year its too easy to lose sight of whats really important, and why we actually are celebrating. Is it really about the presents and the decorations and the food and good smells? While I love those things and look forward to them all year, I would trade it all to make Christ the center of Christmas. I hope I can remember Him as we go about this busy time, take a minute and make some changes. Atleast that’s what I’m trying to do, and that’s the honest to goodness truth!
Have a VERY merry Christmas,
Love, The Lassens’
David, Melinda, Bethany, Maddie, Sam & “Surprise”

I like Camping, but really this is Just Silly

I'm a pretty normal girl. Well, in the sense of shopping. I really like shopping. And I really like finding a good deal. Normally, when I go shopping I can find TONS of things I would love to have and wish I could buy. Thats normally. But things are not normal because my body is not normal. Its bulbous, and round and lopsided. I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I think pregnant bodies are adorable and lovely and super cute.

Just not mine.

Nothing looks right, nothing feels right, everythings uncomfortable and tent-like. Poo. I went shopping yesterday and came home tired, out of breath and super frustrated. Do you guys like maternity clothes? I don't. I think they're expensive and unflattering and ugly. I hate the shirts with the ties in the back, its like a sure fire way of saying "hi, I'm fat." And the pants, good ned, the pants. Do they think our butt ends halfway up our back? And do they think my thighs are two times fatter than my butt? And you'd think there'd be some better way to make them, since you have to constantly hike them up, over and over and over. Bah.

I know I'm whining.

I'm just not a sweatpants and t-shirt kind of gal. It depresses me to look frumpy and not put together and I've got enough bringing me down right now. So what do you guys do when you're pregnant? Do you just deal with it until you can wear regular clothes again, or do you know a secret to dressing for pregnancy? This is my fourth time around, you'd think I'd know by now but no. HELP ME! Pretty please? *batting eyelashes*

You Guys Are Cool

So I probably shouldn't tell you guys this because it will just solidify how absolutely narcissistic I am, but thats not the point I'm trying to make...last night I couldn't sleep and I was bored and so I started reading all your blogs (sorry if I didn't comment, I was reading from my phone, no commenting from there. poo.), when I finished reading your posts, I started reading some of my old posts. And then read some more of my posts, and some more and an hour later I was finally tired. The things is, yes I enjoyed what I wrote and thought some of it was funny and entertaining and sometimes not, but the reason I kept reading was because of all your comments. You guys kill me, you are so funny! Plus, I really miss my friends like crazy and I've been feeling super lonely, so it was like having a conversation with my friends, and I really needed that!

So thank you guys, for being awesome, being supportive, being funny and just what I need! You rock!