The Devil Made Me Do It!

Oh sad, sad, sad. I meant to get a couple posts ready and have them go the next couple of days while I was out of town; but sadly, I've been lazy and now have to spend the rest of my time actually getting ready for our trip. Dang myself. I hate my procrastinating ways! But will I change? Probably not. But I hope so.

So you won't be hearing from me until next Monday or Tuesday (unless by some miracle I can move at the speed of light, get everything I need to done, and then blog too...). Now don't start crying, its going to be okay. I promise. I know you can survive, you're strong. You're tough! You can do it!!

I just don't know if I can do it.....WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! *running away, sobbing*


Bye guys, see ya next week! Don't do anything I wouldn't do... heh heh. (I'm going to Vegas, so I get to do anything I want, because didn't you know there's this saying: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Which is the devil's way of tricking you into doing bad bad stuff and thinking you can get away with it. Don't worry I'll be good, I'm always semi-good. ALWAYS.)

What do Conversation Hearts say to YOU?

For Valentine's Day I bought three bags of conversation hearts and have been plowing through them ever since. I hardly ever stop to see what they say, since they've "modernized" them and now they say stupid things like "e-mail me" and "chill out". So dumb. My favorites are the white ones. Mmmmmm. But if you looked in my candy jar, you'd see mostly yellow all on top, because I HATE the yellow ones and leave them for everyone else. Except no one else likes yellow either. Oh well.

So, the point you say? Well, I was thinking about conversations and thought I'd share with you some conversations I have with myself. In my head. (Don't worry, I don't usually talk out loud to myself, although sometimes I do...)

Convo #1:
While watching Mystery Diagnosis about a woman with liver disease and the signs were sharp pains and bad headaches...

Me: I HAVE LIVER DISEASE!!!
Myself: No you don't.
Me: YES I DO!!! I GET SHARP PAINS AND HEADACHES ALL THE TIME!!!
Myself: No, you're fine, its probably just gas. And too much Mountain Dew.
Me: Okay, you're probably right.
Myself: Sheesh, way to over-react.
Me: I still think there's something wrong with me...
Myself: You are a tard.

Some other time:
While talking to my sister...

Me: Why isn't the phone on the charger?
Myself: Hmmmm, thats weird, where'd I put the phone?!
(walking around the house looking for the phone)
Me: OH! I'm ON the phone, I'm holding the phone in my own dang hand!
Myself: You are a tard.


Another thought:
While talking to someone at church, or work, or just anywhere really...

Me: Stop staring at their nose.
Myself: Look away!
Me: I can't do it! There's a booger in there!
Myself: They're gonna know you're looking at them, don't touch your nose!
Me: I can't help it! I just wiped my nose, and looked at their nose, do you think they know?!
Myself: You are a tard.
(Strange replays of "Better Off Dead" going on in my head now.)

Last one I promise:

Me: I'm so funny! hehehehe
Myself: You are a tard.

So, what kind of conversations do you have with YOUR self?

My Husband, the Six Year Old

Every once in awhile my husband talks in his sleep.

This started right after we first were married. The first time I remember him talking in his sleep, he rolled over and said ever so sweetly, "The perfect snowflake..."

I was shocked! I looked over at him, saw that he was completely asleep and proceeded to bust up laughing. Its hysterical when he talks in his sleep!

Over the years, I've come to realize that when my husband's asleep, I think in his mind he is somewhere from six to twelve years old. I know this because he talks like a little kid, in this soft, high pitch, sort of whiney voice. Its cute and hilarious all at the same time!

Some nights I can tell he's going to talk, usually he's gone to bed early and I've stayed up late to um....I don't know, blog or something. (duh) I've also tried really hard to have conversations with him, and I could really do that if I could just stop laughing long enough to actually talk to him...

This is my favorite "conversation" we've had of all time:

Husband rolling around on the bed, moaning.

Me: Whats wrong?!

Husband: (remember, this is in a little kid whiney voice) My tummy hurts!

Me: *cracking up* You're tummy hurts?! (Oh and keep in mind, I talk to him like a mom talks to a baby, very cooey) :)

Husband: Yeah, my tummy hurts bad!

Me: *snickering* WHY?!

Husband: I ate rocks!

Me: *shaking with laughter* You ate rocks?!

Husband: Yeah, BIG ONES! Eeerrrrrrmmmm... (rolling around again)

Me: *trying not to pee my pants* Big ones huh? Are you okay?

Husband: Yeah, I want my mommy!

Me: *peeling laughter all over again* Really. Who's your mommy?

Husband: Grrrrrrrrrr (rolls over)

Me: *hehehehehehe* Husband?! Husband?! Who do you love?

Husband: I love my mommy.

Me: *immediately stops laughing, eyes narrowing* Who ELSE do you love?

Husband: I love Melinda...

Me: *Grinning again--that's right sucka* Do you love oldest daughter?

Husband: Mmmm hmmmmm, we play toys!

Me:*BAAAA HAHAHAHA* OH yeah? What kind of toys?

Husband: I like baseball.

Me: *Duh, he loves baseball. Rolling eyes.* Where are your toys?

Husband: At home, in my toy box.

Me: *deep breaths in and out.* Oh, you have a toy box?!

Husband: Mmmmmm hmmmmmm, a BIG one!

Me: *AAHHHHHH HAHAHAHA* HUSBAND!! HUSBAND!!! WAKE UP WAKE UP!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN SAYING?!?!

I can only last so long people. Then I have to wake him up and tell him how hilarious he is. He usually looks at me with sleep in his eyes, nods and rolls over. A little annoyed. But I love it. I totally love it.

I used to talk in my sleep, but now I'm not even sure I know what real sleep is anymore. To talk in my sleep would require actually going into REM mode or whatever, and since I barely close my eyes before some child is awake and crying, I wouldn't know what REM even is. But you know, its all worth it if I get to talk to Husband while he's asleep...

Some other time I'll tell you other reasons where my Husband acts like a six year old. :)

Shell + Mel = Forever

This post is for my long lost twin. A shout out, if you will.

A semi-long time ago, twenty-some-odd years, there were two precious little girls born. When they were cleaned up and looked upon fully for the first time, the doctors and nurses realized the amazing potential of these two hotties. They knew they needed to separate the chicas before their own heads exploded from so much exposure to pure awesomeness--and attractiveness.

That's when it happened, my life was changed forever. Shellie and I were taken away, me to become a Jedi and her to become a princess of some sorts. But the government couldn't keep us apart forever! Ha ha ha! They couldn't stop this! We've found each other, in a sheer force of will, or Jedi magic! Shellie started blogging, and I started blogging and soon enough we reunited! I did have to tell her to take those ridiculous buns out, but we're good now...

Isn't that an amazing story?! Really quite heart-warming if I do say so myself.

Now I want you to forget the fact that Shellie and I are not the same age and not born on the same day. Details, details. You know that's all part of the plan to keep us apart! Now I'm going to have to go to my parents and interrogate them about what they know and have kept hidden from me for all these years, Shellie I advise you to do the same.

But you can't deny the real facts, here's just a few things that Shellie and I have in common:
~We're both girls.
~We're both Mormon.
~We both have brown hair.
~We're both married. (and both our husbands are 4 years older than us)
~We're both fantastically gorgeous.
~We both love e-shopping at Victoria's Secret. (for the clothes, you pervo's.)
~We both blog.
~We both have children.
~We both had braces.
~We both put our foots in our mouth in awkward situations.
~We both hate our names. (for the same reason, that they sound old.)
~We both are friends on Facebook.

SEE! We're eerily alike, don't you think?!

Oh and we both really like this song from Beyonce:
(EDIT: I figured out, if I had a video from YouTube, it won't let you comment! I'm super smart guys! So sorry Shell, here's the link though, JUST FOR YOU SHELLIE! Please watch it!)

Oooh oooh!! And our name's rhyme! Wowee Zowee!
(Shellie, I really did this post because I think this video is hilarious with Justin Timberlake in that leotard and it made me think of you. Hope I didn't creep you out!) ;)

The Other Realm

I can't sleep.

I've been laying in bed counting sheep for the last 30 minutes. Do you know whats keeping me up?! Of course you don't, so let me fill you in.

Facebook.

I'm a little freaked out guys. One of my first posts, I talked about an old friend and just a few days later, that very same friend requested me on Facebook. So guess what?! IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

I know, scary!

That unrequited love post a few back, the guy from my story requested my friendship today. I've never had this kind of power before...I'm drunk with possibilities...

I should test the limits and write a story about someone I know that's died, you know just to see if this goes beyond the mortal world. OooooOOOoooohhhh! (that's ghosty sounds, so you know.)

Okay, maybe I'm really up because I took a three hour nap earlier, but still you gotta think that's odd in some sort or another, yes? (Not the nap, although yes it is for me, but the Facebook thing.)

Now that I've got that off my chest, maybe I can sleep now.

Hey, this one time, my great grandma read me a story..... do you think it'll work?!

Red Hot Pokers aren't ALL bad right?

Okay, I hurried and did the last post for Sue's carnival (although once again I buckled under the pressure, and came up with "mildly humorous", if that.). But I did have other things to post about as well, so here goes.

So this week has been a little depressing for me. Not because of anything in my personal life, for the most part, but because I keep watching/reading these really really sad love stories. Really sad.

Like The Notebook. Have you guys seen that movie?! Its incredibly heart-wrenching and just sad! Even my husband cried during it. Well, I read the book this week and although the movie and book are a little different, it still made me bawl my little eyes out!

Then last night we watched Becoming Jane. Also, very, very sad! And it's just made me wonder why the world is so dang rude! You know?!

Why do they come up with these "perfect" men?! Why do they throw it in our faces and act like that's what everyone should expect? I think truly there are a lot of good men out there, but I don't know anyone who can be a Mr. Darcy, an Edward or Noah Calhoun. It just doesn't happen.

Take for instance, my husband. Good man, of course. But he has his flaws. I think this is a much more realistic picture of what men, even good men, are like:

Yesterday, I was super sick. Like really yucky kind of sick. As in, I woke up with horrible pains in my stomach, feeling nauseous and really couldn't quite move off the bathroom floor. I was freaking out just a little because I had to go to work (I called in of course), but I didn't know how I was going to take care of the baby that was clinging to my side screaming while I ralphed in the toilet, and the other two kids that live here and also pick one up from school, when I couldn't even stand up straight. My husband was getting ready for work and just wasn't really helping. He took the approach of 'there's nothing I can do, so I won't'. Which only makes me hate him more. I got "thing's" taken care of after awhile to where I could actually move and function, although the shooting pains in my stomach remained all day. Husband called three times. The first time he was polite enough to ask if I was feeling better. Oh, so sweet isn't he? Whatever. It was completely obligatory. Then after he talked about whatever they'd done at work, he had the nerve to ask me what our plans were for the night. Um, hello?! I'M SICK. And therefore evil. Second phone call comes. "Hey honey, I can't help it, but I have to work tonight about an hour late. Another guy had to go early and since I didn't have anything I said I'd stay." You mean 'anything' like a sick wife at home?! Retard. Third phone call. "Hey, Dufus (name changed to protect the stupid) said if I worked until NINE for him, he would give me Jazz tickets. What do you think?" At this point I may have ripped his head off through the phone. I can't recall the exact phrase but I did tell him if the freakin Jazz game was more important than me than GO FOR IT. The idiot.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But there are days where I seriously wonder how many times he was dropped as a child. The thing is, when he's sick, the whole world ends. What happens when Mom's sick? He wants to go to a Jazz game. How does he not see that this isn't okay? It doesn't take a rocket scientist people.

Really I'm okay now, I understand that men are stupid and selfish, and I'm over it--mostly. Here's the lesson that all men need to learn (I will definitely teach this to my son, he will be perfect.):

Women just want you to THINK about them and then tell them! Simple as that. THINK about us, miss us, wonder how we're doing, CARE.
example: When your wife is sick, dote on her! idiot
example: You work late, call her up and say you miss her--and mean it!
example: LISTEN to what she says, like if she's told you for months what she wants for her birthday, BUY that! And not the freakin day before either.

Whew. I feel so much better. I'm not trying to be bitter or mean. Just realistic. I know all of us have things our husband's do that drive us crazy, and sometimes it just feels so good to get it out. I know I do things that bug him too. Its part of life. And marriage.

Now I'm going to go take those red hot pokers out from under his pillow. See how blogging is good for a marriage? I might have done something I would regret later...
The sooner he realizes the world revolves around ME, the better.

Remember to Pack It Up

I'm totally a mall rat. I love it there, for the obvious reason of SHOPPING, but the less obvious reason of: people watching.


Even here in Utahland, there is some great people watching going on. Last week when I was at the mall, I was eating pizza with my kids, looking around at the weirdos, and after a little bit it hit me.


THERE IS SOME SERIOUS GENDER CONFUSION WITH THE TEENAGERS!


I have to say this shook me to the core. TO. THE. CORE.


Here I was, sitting with my innocent children and this grotesque display of genderitis was in full blown view!

No, this has nothing to do with any silly little gay issue. This has EVERYTHING to do with the clothes these kids are wearing. I know! Now that is a REAL scary issue!

Do you know what I saw?! I tried to burn the image from my brain, but for you, I'll retrieve the image. I saw....

I saw boys wearing these!!!:

These may be made for men, but I'm sorry, leggings do NOT belong on men for ANY reason. The ones I saw at the mall were even more sickly, they had LACE on the edges. LACE!

Now this appears on a woman in the picture, but I saw a guy wearing his scarf just like this! EEEW people, EW! If for some reason you are a man, and you NEED to wear a scarf, do NOT wear it like this, and do not buy your scarf in the women's section!





Now, it goes the other way as well. I'm sure in an attempt to be modest, I've seen women wearing MEN's jean shorts. MEN'S. (The prime culprit being my mother.) They make shorts for women that are to the knee. They're called Bermuda shorts, please for the love of good fashion, buy those. NEVER, ever buy men's pants. In any form. Do you really want all that extra fabric in the crotch area? NO, the answer is definitely no.





Oooooh, isn't she sexy?! Yes, she is, and the skinny jean can be a very sexy thing on a lot of women. But I kept seeing skinny jeans on teenage BOYS! Boys, I tell ya! Gonna be a little graphic with you, but like I stated above, when women wear men's jeans there's extra room in there, but when men wear women's jeans....well, let's just say everything's packed nice and tight. And I threw up in my mouth a little. I had to put the pizza down and walk in a trance-like state away from the food court.



But I got over it when I found a rockin deal on shoes! Whooooo!

Until I saw a guy in there, and then I went straight home and rocked in a corner the rest of the afternoon.

What is this world coming to when kids don't even know what gender they are...sad, sad world...




Submitted for Very Funny Friday by Sue.

Hideous on the Outside AND the Inside

I just got off the phone with my older sister. She's only a year and a half older than me, and we get along like peanut butter and jelly. She is the mack mammy, and totally on the hizzle. yo dizzle.

So, I was thinking of some of the fun times my sister and I have had together and I came upon such a memory that probably shouldn't be shared, but I will anyway because I feel like it.

My sister and I used to go into the bathroom, shut the door, stand next to one another and turn to the mirror. When we were ready, we would start making the most hideous faces we could think of. HID-E-OUS. We would laugh hysterically at ourselves and make another face. Sometimes a face would be so bad we'd tell each other: "You should never make that face again. That one was really bad." Because we looked out for each other like that.

Good times we had. Good times...Like when my cousin moved in with my grandparents next door, we were just kids at the time. We would tell her that we were professional tap dancers and would tap dance everywhere we went. We played lots of fun little jokes on this cousin (she's about a year younger than me). Oh, like when body glitter was all the rage, we would mark our arms up and say that fairies bit us. Or my sister would talk in different accents and say it was her real voice, and the cousin would say "Stop that, talk in your REAL voice!" and my sister would change to a different accent and say that that really WAS her REAL voice!! hahahaha

Aaaaaahhhhhh, good times.

Although I feel like I should tell you something. Something about that cousin. I would hate to not be honest with you. Well... that cousin is.....well, um.... slightly handicapped...(hanging head in shame). Before you light the torches and bring out the pitchforks, let me explain. I said slightly, as in she isn't declared by the state as handicapped, but she isn't completely "normal" like you and me. She's very smart and intelligent and a great girl. The thing is, that this cousin LOVES attention, LOVES it. So we knew when we were teasing her like that, that she knew we were teasing and that she loved the game of it all. So really, we were good kids. GOOD. I promise.

Either that or we're totally going to hell.

Now go in the bathroom and smoosh up your face in awful poses and get a good laugh okay? Then come back and tell me about some of your sibling memories. :)

(Hey sis, sorry to sort of throw you under the bus there. You know I think you're awesome. Although, maybe I sort of blame you if I go to hell.... hee hee. Kidding.)

Talky Tuesday

I don't understand Wordless Wednesdays. Only because I rarely see anyone who doesn't actually NOT use words. They put up their picture and then they explain it. Even if its something like "this just inspires me." NO WORDY! NO! BAD!! It says wordLESS, that means an absence of words! Hello?! (I don't care if you do wordless wednesdays, its your blog do whatever you want, I'm just rambling okay? Don't be offended.)

So anyway, that picture up there is of the new humidifier we just recently purchased (hence that its new). We got this special kind that you can put Vick's stuff in so that it will help extra with breathing and coughing and whatnot. When I pulled the humidifier out and started setting it up, I saw where you put the medicine in. See above picture. It says "POUR INHALANT HERE''. I don't know why, but I thought that was hysterical at the time. It was like a modern day bong (although there are bong's in this modern day, so....)! Obviously I'm very naive and innocent and have no idea how drug use works. Which I personally think is a good thing.

Okay, I'm gonna go sit by the humidifier and see if I get high. Yeahhh.....maaaannn....

Just real quick...

Hey, I was wondering:
On the last post, about Dirty Dancing, can you leave a comment? No, I'm not asking you to leave a comment; I'm asking if its physically possible to leave a comment. Because I can't see the option when I look at it. And it's not getting comments. So I'm not sure why it's doing that. And I'm checking if it does it on this post as well.
Okay, let me know. Thanks!

update: Okay, I can see the comments on this one, but still not on the last one. I swear I'm not technically stupid (as in stupid with technology...not the other...) So, I suppose you can leave a comment for the last post here. Or if you know why its doing that, fill me in! :)