Death With a Funny Twist

So, I'm really glad some of you guys get my dark humor. (Kristina, when the swine flu first started, I would randomly yell "SWINE FLU!!!" all the time. I love you. Is that creepy? hm) I never realized I had such dark humor until a few years ago when I was at a Girls Camp for the week, and everyone kept pointing out that all my "fun" camp songs had to do with death. And anytime we HAD to do stuff I was sick of doing I would say "Just kill me already!!" So yeah, I talk about death a lot, that doesn't make me a bad person does it?

One of my other favorite sayings? "You're dead to me." I say it ALL THE TIME.

But you know what? I grew up in western Washington. It can be a pretty depressing area, it rains A LOT, its gray and cloudy and we're all a bunch of artsy/poetic/hopped up on coffee weirdo's. The suicide rate in Washington is the highest in the nation, I think I read that somewhere.

So you either cope with that and start joking around, or...I guess you can not cope with it and whatever.

But I do feel bad sometimes when people don't get the humor and think I'm a crazy or something. ("Man, she's MEAN!" "She said she would kill me!" "I think that woman just threatened me!" See, all bad things.) Because I totally get it, but they think I'm a heartless wench. Not what I was going for.

Maybe I'll just rot in...well, you know. (ha ha, right?!)

One Legged Mom

If you knew me personally, or over the course of quite a few years, you would know that I say these words quite often: 'I think I'm dying.'

I know dying isn't a funny thing to joke about, and really I'm not joking because I AM dying. Or I will at some point.

The thing is, I'm not a sickly person, or a super healthy person. I don't get pneumonia or serious virus's hardly...well, ever (totally jinxing myself yes?). What I do get is horrible allergies, ear infections a couple times a year, and since I was a teenager: weird aches and pains.

Like a tight ache in my shoulder/neck area, near my collar bone. Yeah, its just there. Hurting me. And then it goes away, and then it returns. And I think: 'I'm dying aren't I? I must have cancer or something.' Until it goes away and I don't care anymore.

The latest weird pain? All day today I've had these tingles and itches and numbness running up and down my legs. It started out while I was at work, I was putting some stuff away in a closet and it felt like I'd walked through a spider web, and I jumped and started rubbing my leg. But nothing was there...just itchiness. It's gone on like that all day today. Until now, where my left leg is totally numb and has been that way for the last hour or so.

And here I am again, thinking 'I'm dying aren't I? Or I'm going to lose a leg. Yay.'

Besides the fact that I've changed so many flippin' diapers again today, I wouldn't mind taking a little extended "vacation" in a clinic somewhere to have my "illness" checked out. Be it psychiatric or whatnot.

And the Poop Strikes Again!

Oh MY! I just realized this is my 100th post, and I didn't even plan any sort of give-away or to do the 100 things about me (you already know too much don't you?), so what do I do?!?

Well, all I can really think about is poop guys. Sorry. That's all I got.

My son has been pooping all day today. ALL. DAY. And I gotta be honest, its sort of freaking me out.

It started a couple weeks ago when my son decided to swallow a sewing pin. Yeah, a pin. Like a needle. Not a safety pin. A real life size pin, that's pointy on one end and blunt on the other. But Melinda, what does that have to do with poop? Oh honey, I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

I didn't know he'd swallowed the pin, until he was trying to "pass" it. And it was stuck, down there. In his rectum, right about to come out, but no, it was stuck so not coming out. Just lots of screaming, by me and by him. And by Oldest Daughter. Yeah, lots of screaming.

Anyway, a trip to the emergency room and one rusted pin later, all is well. Until today.

When Son starts crying, and trying to poop. Oh Lord please help me, I don't think I can do this again! The last time, the poop was like normal baby poop (as in not solid). But this time, the boy was actually constipated and trying to pass something much harder than he's used to. I'm pumping the legs, I'm trying to help "ease" things out, I'm hyperventilating. And shaking. And I may have passed out once, I'm not sure, things are fuzzy...

I seriously love my son, he is the sweetest kid you will ever meet, but he WILL NOT STOP EATING NON-EDIBLE THINGS! I am so frustrated at the amount of stuff I have to take away from him I'm ready to throw everything in my house away. Or the boy. I'm just not sure which will work better.

Oh and seriously, all I did today was read and change poopy diapers. I'm so not joking. No brushing of the teeth, I didn't shower until almost 7:00 PM, been in pajamas all day. I think I've snapped. (Seriously, something has snapped in my brain, have you noticed I haven't been around here lately? SNAPPED. It's the only explanation.)

Uh oh, I smell something, gotta go!!

Gardening for Dumbies

I want a nice garden. I really do. And by "really do" I mean if I don't have to actually do anything to garden.

I hate weeding, ridiculous.

I never remember to water.

We don't actually have "dirt", we have clay.

Plants are expensive!

I guess I just have a black thumb, or I'm lazy. Either one.

How about you? Do you like to garden? Give me some easy gardening tips, please! (And by easy, I mean no work!)

Sweet Sassafrass Sunday: US

It was my son's first birthday yesterday. Isn't that so fun?! So I took some pictures of him and I'm posting them here (and also on my family blog) because you just GOTTA see how cute he is! REALLY!







And here's my oldest:


And the middle child:


And the cupcakes, don't they look so sprinkle-licious?!

What Happened to Your Face?!

On display here is some hard factual evidence. Look at these pictures. I said LOOK--look at them!! DO IT! (I'm sorry to subject you to such horrific experiences, but you'll be a better person for it, I'm sure):


Examine photo #1:


And photo #2:


And last, photo #3:



Okay, now that you can see what I'm talking about, I have to confess. I have a terrible problem. Look through the pictures again, and come back. Go on, look again. WAIT! Don't. I'm sure they're scorched into your memory already.

So, after looking through my pictures, I realized I have two problems (yes, only two...). Number one being there is something severely wrong with my face.

And number two, I need more clothes. All my pictures I have the same orange cardigan on! Even go look at the blogger luncheon pictures--ORANGE CARDIGAN! Sure I love it, but man I need more than one go-to outfit. Sheesh.

And yes, of course, I'm focusing on the shopping problem and not the face one. The shopping one is much easier to fix, and much more enjoyable. :)

Help MEEEeeeeee!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!!!

I SHOULD GO TO SLEEEP BUT I CAN'T....

...ONLY BECAUSE I'M CRAZY!!!

AND FULL OF ANXIETY AND TENSION!!!

BECAUSE I WAITED UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO GET STUFF DONE AND MESSED AROUND INSTEAD!!!

DIDN'T YOUR MOM EVER TEACH YOU TO NOT PROCRASTINATE?!?! I GUESS MINE DIDN'T...OR I AM STUPID...I VOTE ON THE LATTER!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(*deep breath* Oh, and p.s. After tomorrow morning I'm done with my break. Are you so excited?! Because this didn't count at all.)

Break Me Off a Piece of that...KIT KAT BAR!

MMMmmmmm, now I want some chocolate...

I'm going to take a break. Yup, a break. I've got a lot going on this next week or so, along with all the normal stuff there's my Son's 1st birthday, a super saturday, putting together my preschool graduation slideshow, etc. and etc. Besides somebody swore at me in my comments yesterday, I think I need to let that simmer so I don't let it effect what I'm writing about. (EDIT: Look at me only seeing the negative! Besides the mean comment, I have to tell you Kritta took over my inbox and left me FORTY FIVE comments!! Awesome much?!)

I think my frame of mind is showing in my posts because the last couple have fallen pretty flat. Hmmmm, let's see if real quick before I go I can leave ya with something funny...

Okay then, the other day Middle Child was looking at the crotch of her pajama pants where they had split (they were homemade and the seam had come apart there), and was telling me how they became that way. Here's how it went down:

MC: "Someone took a knife and cut my pants."

Me: "REALLY?! I don't think anyone did that."

MC: "YES! I remember, it was last night."

Me: "Last night huh? I don't remember anyone cutting your pants with a knife last night."

MC: "Uh huh! They did! And I screamed, like a . . . like . . . a . . . like a GIRL!"

Me: laughing uncontrollably

There ya go, hopefully that atleast put a smile on your face! I'll see ya in a couple days okay?

CHEATER!

I love my husband--a lot!


Okay, I wanted to say that first thing, just to make it clear. I REALLY REALLY love him A LOT, got it?!


So, I have to admit something. I used...to...watch...


...OPRAH! I'm so ashamed!!


Now maybe some of you like Oprah, but for lots of different reasons I just don't care for her anymore. But I USED to, a lot. One day I turn on Harpo, and she was talking about cheating husbands. I've actually known quite a few people with a spouse that's cheated on them. So I'm a little paranoid anyway. On the episode, (and the people I've known) the spouse had NO IDEA there was any cheating going on. They talked about different signs and what to look for. Now, my spouse and I have talked about cheating a lot, it's one of those things that I just can't get past. God bless the people who can, they are much more forgiving than I am, but I just know I could never get over that. Anyway, once I've been hurt, I build walls. I'm not going to walk around all vulnerable to get hurt. I'm just protecting myself.



One of the ways I protect myself is to be untrusting.


It's not that I don't trust my husband, I just don't want to be one of those people that think it will never happen to them, just to be blindsided by it and fall into the resulting coma (because you know you go into a coma if you are cheated on, duh.).


The point? My husband all of a sudden changed his Facebook e-mail to a new one. It seems like to me, that if you put in a new e-mail you get a new account. But the old one's still there, so does he have some sort of secret account?! (Don't worry I'll be talking to him when he gets home tonight, for sure.)


So, I decide to play detective. And by detective, I decided I would just type in his name and see if another account showed up. And guess what ladies?! ANOTHER ACCOUNT DID SHOW UP!


I see his normal account right at the top of the search list, okay check. The next account says his name too, and the same place of where we live. That must be it right?! There's a picture of like four guys all buff with their shirts off, and I see the face on the middle guy is pasted on (I can't tell if it's my husband's face, because really those pictures are SMALL), and I'm like really nervous now! What if it IS his?! So I click on the account.


The info on the profile says he's looking for women, some of his interests and hobbies, all kinds of stupid crap. And I'm starting to get a little freaked out. So I click on the picture. PHEW! It's not him, it's some real other guy who lives in our area by the same name--ironic much?!


But I'm going to keep looking until I can talk to the man, because who actually comes up with a cheater account under their own name?! Sheesh, I'm not THAT dumb...

Do you have trust issues or is it just me?

Don't Push Me 'Cause I'm Close to the Edge...

I'm moody. I really hate that about myself--that I let people affect my mood. My husband could care less what anyone does, it takes a lot for him to get annoyed (besides by me or our kids, how rude!). But no, someone looks at me funny: ANNOYED!

I do a really good job holding it in and also letting it go, because hello I'm super annoying and I know I bug people too. So initially, something bugs me, I fume, I move on. I pretty much ride the emotional roller coaster, the up's and down's are pretty intense, but they also go by quickly.

But sometimes, something happens when you've just annoyed me too many times. And then I just don't want none of it anymore. I don't like being mean, I don't like confrontation, I don't like feeling bad. So I usually just try and separate myself from the situation and stay away--as opposed to having a brawl with the person by taking the mean thoughts out of my head and spewing them at said offender. I don't think it's right or good to be mean to anyone, but what if that person has just pushed you to your limit?!

So, what do YOU do? How do YOU handle a person that's pushed you too far?

And Here's One More For You

I usually take Sunday's off from blogging, but of all the special day's to write about, I think honoring my mom should be one of them.

I struggle with the words to explain my mom, my mind jumps from this to that back to this, and there just isn't a short way to tell you who she is.

She isn't perfect. She doesn't always do everything right. But she is one of the most righteous people I know. She is strong. There was never a time in my life where I didn't know what she expected of me, or didn't think she wouldn't let me know if I wasn't living up to her expectations. She WILL tell you. She WILL ask if you've brushed your teeth, even when you're twenty six.

She's not afraid of anything. If she has to stand up for herself, she'll do it. She understands the gospel, and she lives it. She is an amazing example of strength.

She's crafty, and cute and fun. She's a clean freak and never wastes time with stupid stuff like tv and gossip. She's building an amazing garden and I've never heard her complain about weeding (Ohhh how I LOATHE weeding). She's calm in an emergency--and believe me, I've put her through a lot of hospital trips. I can't tell you how much I need her calming influence.

She may not always be comfortable talking about uncomfortable things, and maybe I had to figure out how tampons work and buy myself bra's--but she did the best she could. If ever there was a person who would lay down their life for me, it would be my mom. And how can I hold anything against her? When she's given me EVERTHING? Her time, her patience, her love, her energy, her ALL!

And somehow, through all of my stages of life, the really ugly horrible parts, she still loves me.

Thank you Mom, three hand squeezes right at ya!

MOM!

Are you guys sick of Mother's Day posts yet? YES! Well, gear up for another one because I wanna talk about my Mom. I was really wanting to tell this hysterical story, thats super embarassing to her, but then I thought...thats HORRIBLE. When everyone else is honoring their moms', I'm making fun of mine. So, I'll save that story for another time, maybe...possibly.

But I have to be honest, there's just not enough time or space, or words to describe my mom correctly. I like to write, but I do not have the gift in doing justice to my feelings. So instead, I really just want to put up this picture...


...and say MOM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Busy, Busy

*pant* *pant*

Hey guys, I just ran in here real quick, but I gotta go! Go, go, GO!!!

It's been a crazy week (I have lots of crazy weeks, don't worry I'm sort of crazy, so it works), something to do every day. On top of meetings and get-togethers, I've read two books, and I started exercising again! Aren't you proud of me?! My non-existent stomach muscles are screaming at me right now, but still, it feels good. And by good, I mean PAINFUL.

*checking heart rate*

Okay, gotta go! Move it, move it, MOVE IT!

So how's your week been? And how do you feel about excercise? I loved Wendy's post, totally related to it!

Exclaim!

I was up tossing and turning all night (actually that was my son, I was just part of the awakeness), thinking about blogging and what I wanted to post about. Since it was 5:30 am, a lot of strange subjects came to mind: steak (YUM!), my last experience at the E.R., my busy schedule this week...And then one subject stuck out. Which I will share now. And you will read now.


Dear Exclamation Point,

I feel I must apologize to you. My blatant overuse is intolerable. You see, I'm a very excitable person and your punctuation seems the only way to go. Even when I speak aloud, I hear you in my voice, emphasizing what I want to convey. I'm sure you need a rest from the constant usage, but I have to be honest, I can't see this taming down anytime soon. Please forgive me for my obsession with you. Really, I think you rock. (!) Truly, I do.

With adoration,
Can't Stop With Excessive Exclamations

p.s. !!! !!! ! !! !! Phew, had to get those out!

Wowzers

Well thank you so much to everyone and their great advice on my last post! It was really nice to hear your point of view and what you all do, it helped a lot, really!

So this is kind of where I'm coming from. I feel conflicted. I spent this last weekend on a sort of retreat for the older teenagers in our Ward. Okay wait, I'm just going to spell this out and not hold back anything. Sometimes I just give ya'll basics because sometimes I don't want you to know EVERYTHING about me (shocking I know, since I can share about my bodily functions and anything else you never wanted to know...). So, I've been with-holding information from you, and I'm sorry (and since I've built this up so much once I share you'll wonder what the big deal was, I'm sure).

So anyway, I'm laying it all out there (and if you're not Mormon, you probably won't get most of this, sorry). I'm the Young Women's President. Yup, I know, it's shocking. So I spent last Friday and Saturday up Provo Canyon camping with the Priest and Laurels in my Ward and Stake. It's a retreat we do every year with them, a time where we can have fun, play games, hear great speakers and stay up way too late. Every year they have an awesome speaker (two years ago it was THE Brad Wilcox--he was amazing), and we also hear from our Stake President. They talk very openly, even bluntly, to these teenagers about issues they may face, problems, how to be strong, how to be righteous--it's so wonderful I can't even tell you. And while I was sitting there, I kept thinking about this blog. Sad, I know. Not that I wanted to blog about the retreat, but that through my blog, I was not uplifting anyone, I wasn't showing anyone what a good person or example I can be. And I felt really sad. Thinking more about it, I know my mom would be totally ashamed, she's just not that open with silly/somewhat awkward things, she doesn't think it's appropriate to talk about a lot of the stuff I have here. (I will say, she is a little prudish, and I wouldn't/would never/couldn't pull things back to the level she has, but I understand her point as well.)

So anyway, like a lot of you said: Why do I blog? Who is my audience? What's the point?!

I'm not sure. I blog because it's fun! I blog because I enjoy making new friends! I blog because it gives me adult contact with people I really like and that keeps me sane!

But, is it not good? I don't know. If my Young Women read this, I don't think most of it would bother me, they'd probably tease me and say I'm silly. Which they already know. But if their parents read it? I might never be able to look in their faces. If my Stake President read it?! Oh, I'm mortified just thinking about it.

Not because I'm ashamed of the person I am, because I was being quite honest in my posts and letting the "me" shine. But mortified because I should be someone better, how can I ever be a "great lady" if I'm so inappropriate? I can see myself through two different eyes, one being silly and trying to be popular, the other being spiritual and possibly inspirational.

Sorry this is super long and somewhat depressing! I guess I'll have to find the balance (something you guys talked about as well), I still want to be funny and silly and REAL. But I don't want to be offensive, rude and inappropriate. And maybe sometimes I'll throw in a little bit of...uh..."wisdom". Who knows if I've got any of THAT in me!

Thanks for listening, and I give you kudos if you read all the way through that crazy talk!

Thinking Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy... I mean, with Melinda Lassen

This is my 85th post. When I think back on the last 85 posts, I see mostly fluff. Not a lot of deep thinking going on here. I hope you guys know, I do have deep thoughts. The "funny" is because I like to laugh, I like to make other people laugh, and I like the attention. I like to keep things light, because life is hard enough.

But today, I want to ask you what YOU think. I was pondering this weekend while I was away, if some of the teenagers I work with at church read my last 85 posts, would I be ashamed of myself? Not most of it, its just fluffy dumb stuff. But maybe a little bit I shouldn't really endorse about myself, ya know? So, I was wondering, how many of you have people you know personally who read your blog? Do you ever feel like you went too far? Do you get embarrassed when they talk to you about it? How do you handle it?

Please tell me, I'm really wanting to know! Thanks!

It's a Monster!

I look icky.

If you were in my house RIGHT NOW, I'm pretty sure you would run away screaming. Really, I'm not a pretty sight.

Here's why:

~My nose looks the equivalent of rotten tomato. It looks like a tomato exploded on my face. I have used an ENTIRE box of tissues in one day, blowing and wiping and blowing until the skin beneath my nostrils is completely cracked and raw. You don't understand, I HATE sniffers and I hate snot. So a blowin' I will go.

~I have a hickey on my chin. (Hickey? Is that how you spell that? Whatever.) A HICK-EE! My son is teething right now and likes to put anything and everything into his mouth. Yes, including my chin. I had no idea him sucking on my chin for two seconds would leave a hickey. But it did, and I look like a weirdo with a pervo husband.

~I got very little sleep last night, so my cute crows feet now look like old woman wrinkles. It's so very pleasant.

~My right breast is bigger than my left. I'm weaning my son (thats breastfeeding talk for the rest of ya'll), and the milk in that side just WON'T DRY UP. And it's painful. And making me appear lopsided.

So there ya have it. I'm a freak. Hopefully tomorrow I can get my mojo back and look fantastic, yes?! Here's hoping...

And how do you look today? Flippin' hot right?!

Don't Freak Out!

Hey, if you're new around here thanks to Shelle, come on in and make yourselves comfortable. But not too comfortable because I'm out of here! Now stop that, you don't need to cry! It's gonna be okay, I promise! Because I'll be back tomorrow anyway. :D

I have a quick "thing" I gotta go to, but don't worry about me it's not like I'm sick or anything. Oh wait...I AM sick. I have a horrible cold right now. I hope I survive the night--or atleast I hope the people staying with me will survive, with me on cold pills. :D

Until tomorrow then, try to be okay. I told you, I PROMISE I'll come back. I know you can do this! BYE!