Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Gas Man

Dear Stupid Costco Gas Attendant~

When you stand RIGHT IN FRONT of an open lane, don't look at me like I'm stupid when I ask if it's open or not. You are paid to, I don't know, watch the lanes? Basically you're paid to stand there. A monkey could do your job. You are NOT paid to flirt with the pretty other gas attendant and treat me like an idiot.
Sincerely,
Gassy Disgruntled Buyer

p.s. Next time I'll just run over your foot. And maybe a leg.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Nerd Love

I used to be a very avid TV goer. Man, when reality TV hit, I was ALL over that! In an obsessive sort of way, it's just how I roll.

I would watch decorating shows, cooking shows, soap opera shows; really it didn't matter, it was on: I would watch it.

When I went to work about a year and a half ago, my TV watching went waaaaay down. I didn't have time for it anymore, I had other things that had to be done and much less time to do it all. So I pretty much stopped watching TV. Then I started blogging anyway, and didn't have time for ANYTHING else.

But NOW, now everything has changed! We got a fancy contraption that makes TV viewing oh so enjoyable!

We. Got. DVR.

It's amazing. (If you don't know what DVR is, it's like Tivo, and if you don't know what Tivo is, its like sticking a video into your VCR and recording your favorite shows, but WITHOUT the video!! And you can do it on LIVE TV! It's like magic!)

So now I can record the shows I want to see, watch them whenever it's convenient, fast forward through all the dumb commercials, rewind if I miss anything, pause if I have to pee--pretty much amazing, yes?!

The downside? I've noticed I am a geek. I love--no really, I LOVE this show--Avatar. LOVE it.
No I can't emphasize enough how much I enjoy this show. And it's a CARTOON. And it's like sort of japanese anime, sort of-ish. And I'm so not into that--normally. But Avatar is the exception, and "I LIKE IT! I LIKE IT! And I don't care who knows!"



So there. I'm a dork. (You knew that already didn't you?)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ode to Blemishes

An Ode to Blemishes: A Tale of Pain and Suffering

Pimple, pimple on my cheek;
It's been an hour but feels like a week.
Every movement conveys your disapproval,
but all I want is your removal.


You fester, you ooze;
I think I need some booze.
I squeeze and I pop,
but the hurting just don't stop.

It's been awhile since I've had such a hurty,
I wonder if I'm just too dirty?
I shower daily, I swear I do,
Maybe I shouldn't be using that goo.

Every move I make, I feel the pain;
but in no way are you starting to wain!
Please leave me alone and just go away,
and really please for more than one day.

Kristina mentioned something about a boil,
but don't worry, I am still loyal.
I don't mind you have a blemish,
removing MINE is my only wish.

Why oh why did it have to be the cheek?
Every step makes me even more weak.
Laugh and point at the freak,
Who talks of zits on her butt cheek.

Was this a little too much info for ya? Naw, I didn't think so!

*p.s. I finished Miss Delacourt! It was so awesome, I will write a "formal" review later on--I promise! But I have to be honest, I thought this poem was hilarious until I started reading Miss Delacourt, and then I thought "I'm such a twit! A cad! A chit! Very not up to snuff!" Oh well, it's what I got.*

Monday, April 27, 2009

SSHHHHHH!

Please be quiet around here, I'm obsessing over Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind, and I need a moment. Or two. I think I love Sir Anthony.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sweet Sassafrass Sunday

WOW GUYS! Just WOW!

Yesterday was one of the best Saturday's I have had in a long, LONG time! It was a day all about me, and hanging out with awesome women!

Yesterday Heidi Ashworth came right up the road from me to do a book signing, it was great fun to get to meet her, and I just have to say I didn't think she could be any more sweet as she is on her blog, but SHE IS! She is truly a wonderful person! AND she looked fantastic, with a matching outfit and purse to her book--awesome! (Thanks Heidi for signing mybook, I'm already reading it, and loving it!)



Yes thats a baby grabbing at my crotch, don't worry he's MY son so it's not as bad. :)

Let's see, from left to right: Julie, Wendy, Heather, Val, Me, Funky, Kristina, Heidi, Jana, Kazzy.
(Missing: Barbaloot! And Dede, except I can't find her blog, sorry!)

And the Snuggy comes out!! WHEEEE!


This is exactly the faces that should be made while wearing a Snuggy. Always. (I think this was right after Wendy mentioned something about gay love. Classic.)

And the best picture EVER:

Heidi and Me rockin' the snuggy! I took this picture from Val--thanks girl! (And yes, why don't you have more pictures of me?! What a shame! hahaha)

And I just have to say, if you're ever scared to go to a meet and greet, you should be terrified! Just kidding, you should be terrified NOT to go! The only way I can describe it, is seeing an old friend. And not someone you haven't been wanting to see, but someone who miss and its just like picking up where you left off. Actually it was pretty amazing! Thanks ladies for making it such a fun day!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Not 'Til You See the Whites of Their TEETH

ggggrgggle...uh...slrrrrp...hey guys.

Sowry 'bout fuh wisp. WISP. Ya know, ssssLISP. I'm twying to whiten my teef.


Okay, that's about all I can stand to write like that, the spell check is going NUTS! But back to what I was saying, I was talking about white strips. Have you ever had the intense pleasure of using them?

I remember right after Oldest was born, my sister came to visit. Her teeth were sparkly white and I was a tad bit jealous, or seriously impressed. One of those. Or both. My sister-in-law worked (and still does for that matter) for a dentist and so she gave me some white strips. Similar to these (or EXACTLY like them!):

I was SO excited about having perfect pretty white teeth! I go use them for the first time...GAG!! Do you realize those things taste like sweaty balls?! Oh yeah, I just said that. I have NO IDEA (I swear to you! Hey mom!) what that (those?) would taste like, but those strips are nasty. N.A.S.T.Y.
So I didn't use them anymore and forgot completely about perfectly lovely white teeth.

Fast forward to the present day (or close to it anyway). I see this post of Shelle's. And then after that post, she does a video SHOWING her awesome white teeth!! And right then and there I vowed I must have white teeth and I would suffer through the sweaty gym sock taste! And I would do it happily--like this:



Fast forward just a tad more to today, I finally convince myself have time to go to the store and pick up the strips. I read the instructions. You need to wear the strips for 30 minutes TWICE a day. That's an hour folks. In other words, ETERNITY. I'll be honest with you, it was not a pretty sight. I may have gagged a few times. There was definitely some droolage. But I DID IT! Yay for me! And my white teeth too! Because after this initial try, I'm outty. This is as white as they get.

(Just kidding guys, hopefully by the time I meet Miss Heidi Ashworth this upcoming Saturday morning, there will be a considerable difference! And if not...I will kill myself.)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

No One Will EVER Visit Me Again, Will They?

Why I don't like people coming to my house:

1. I would actually have to put the laundry that resides on my couch away.

2. I would have to yell a lot at my kids to pick up all their stupid toys. And I try not to yell so much, mostly because it hurts my ears.

3. I'm afraid they'll smell whatever it is that's leaving the funk around here, that I still can't locate.

4. I have to actually shut the door when I pee!

5. I can't leave my bras hanging on the doorknob to my bedroom.

6. That whole cleaning thing just keeps coming back to me. I'd actually have to do it.

7. I'd have to button my pants.

8. I can't pick my nose whenever I feel the need.

9. I'd have to open the blinds and let some light into this pit of despair.

10. I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BLOG!!!! THE HORROR!

How about you? Are you a visiting kind of friend or a homebody?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Here's Wishing for Summer

Because today is a GLORIOUS day to behold (from my computer chair of course), I felt the need to share my favorite summer things!


Here goes:















But MOSTLY, I just like to hang out in bikini's on rocks...


...and sometimes go shopping.
What are your favorite summer things?

Monday, April 20, 2009

When Is Stealing Okay?

There are many types of friends. The loud ones, the funny ones, the shy ones, the good listeners. You know what I mean?

But do you ever meet someone, make friends and then realize later on that they aren't the greatest friend? It happens sometimes.

Have you ever had a stealer friend? Oh boy, have I.

This kind of friend is the type who steals everything you have. Not literally, they don't come to your house with a stocking on their head and take all your valuables. No, what they do is much, much worse. This friend comes to your house, sees your decorating ideas and steals them for herself! I know, it's shocking!

Now, I'm all about some good copy-catting, isn't that like the highest form of flattery? What I mean is, you tell them you have the best idea, and then they go off and tell everybody it was their idea. STEALER! I gotta be honest, I really hate that! Especially because I always have awesome ideas....mmmmm hmmmmm.

This person steals your best stories, they steal your lingo, they steal your jokes. They even steal your friends! It's crazy, and super annoying.

And how do you stop it? Tell everyone "NO, really that was MY idea!"? Then you're the petty one. I guess the simple thing to do would not tell them your idea's anymore. Hmmmmm, I think I just may try that...but that wasn't an idea, just a thought, please don't steal it!!! :)

I think of all the friends I've had though, the stealer is the worst. How about you, ever had a friend like that?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sweet Sassafrass Sunday

So, I LOVED this post from Heidi on her decorating for dollars ideas! I've been wanting to scrap everything in my house and start from scratch, I'm so sick of what I've got. But since I don't have the time or MONEY or...MONEY, I just can't do that. Instead I'm relegated to using what I've got and making it into something I love. And guess what? I DID IT!
I've been wanting for forever to do something with my lamp shades. I kept looking for material and like Wal-Mart and...well, yeah, just Wal-Mart, and not finding anything I really liked. So I went to Deseret Book, where they have TONS of really cute (and expensive) fabric. Don't worry, I got mine for freeEEEEEeeee! It's a long story (actually its not, I just don't feel like elaborating).

So anyway, this is what my lamps looked like before I totally made them awesome:

Super plain huh? Nothing special atleast.



For reasons I don't wish to share (our house is old and nothing works), we have four lamps in our living room. The littlest one, turned into this:

Oh MY GAWSH! I absolutely adore it! And YES, I made it all by myself! Sewing and everything, you didn't know I was so crafty!



The second one I did turned out like this'm:

I ADORE damask. ADORE it.


I still have two more to do, and this is the material I'm going to use:

I also ADORE toile. ADORE!


And one more shot of the cutest little lamp ever!:

Those pom-poms...that pattern...could it get much cuter?!

Okay, I'm really tooting my own horn here, it's just I was in such a rut and that's perked me up so much! So, what home decorating projects do you want to get done?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

But Atleast I'm "Reading"!

Things I hate about blogging:


~My son always wants to sit on my lap, so I end up having to type one handed. Which is okay up to a point. But I have to be honest I curse word verification! Because I think I've got my comment typed out and I'm done, scroll down...DANG WORD VERIFICATION! NOOOoooooooo!


~I get so absorbed in blogging/reading blogs, I miss meals. (which you'd think was a good thing, but no.)

~I totally get why people put music on their blog, but I came to read and the music is distracting. I always have to turn it off. The worst is when the widget is down at the very bottom of the blog and I can't find it! Grrrrr

~When people are fake. This is for people you actually know (duh, how else would you know they're being fake?), so like when they have a jerk spouse and complain all the time, but they go on and on about how sweet their spouse is on their blog...it's annoying.

~Trying to impress perfect strangers. I hate it when I'm blogging, or I read a blog and I feel like I'm trying so hard (or they are) to impress everyone. It's like high school all over again. Just be yourself and you'll find some of the billion bloggers out there that connect with you.

~I hate it when you go to a big blogger's blog and it says right there that if you leave a comment, they'll come comment back, but then they never do. LIAR!


~But I also hate comments too. Not really, I LOVE getting your comments, but I hate feeling like the post was good, or you're a good blogger based on comments. It's a lot of pressure. Also very high schoolesque.

~I hate trying to think of something funny, getting an idea, writing it out and then can't standing it.

~Getting writer's block. Pooey.

~Taking one day off and then spending hours the next day trying to catch up.

~Really horrible grammar. I mean I'll still read ya and all that, but if there's TONS of mispellings and lots of bad grammar, its just so hard to concentrate on what you're saying.

~Tired eyes, achy back, headaches from staring at the screen for so long.

And what I hate the most about blogging?:


~Not being completely blog famous already! :D


(Notice most of my hates are totally controlled by me. And since I have no self-control, I'll go on doing them. Huh.)




Things I love about blogging:



~Making friends without even leaving my living room! AWESOME!


~Having thoughts and idea's bouncing around in my brain, and finally having a place to put them!


~Using my creative juices. Sometimes the juice is a little fermented, but still there is juice.


~Laughing at some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard in my life!


~Being able to relate with other people who go through the same things I do on a daily basis!


~Keeping my sanity through some sort of adult interaction. Score!


~The opportunity to "meet" people (and I like to think, friends) I would otherwise never know!


~Getting to comment (share my own thoughts & opinions) to other people on their blogs! Sometimes I have some strong opinions, and I'm sure my husband is VERY happy I get a lot of that out here in blogland!


~I ADORE witty comments!


~I love finding fun craft blogs/hair blogs/idea blogs/whatever kind of blogs, and getting idea's from there! It is the best!

~Feeling "smart" because I'm "reading"!

And what I love the MOST about blogging?:

~ALL OF YOU!!


Even if there's things I don't care for, the best parts of blogging totally trump the rest! Thanks for being my blogging buddies! Yay for blogdania!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Cleaning Shpleaning

You know, as a wife and mother I have responsibilities, assignments--special duties, if you will. I try to take my charge with grace, poise and accountability. But sometimes, only every great once in awhiles's mind you, do I feel the weight of my obligations.


Oh, who am I kidding? My "obligations" are the equivalent of a ten-year old's chores!


I am a maid.


If I didn't have children, I don't think I'd mind the cleaning so much, but for the love of all that is holy, I cannot keep my house clean for two minutes. They follow me around in their tasmanian devil spin (emphasis on devil), reaking havoc all the way.

So here for your pleasure, is a list of my top five (top? maybe bottom would be better...) most useless, stupid, redundant, mind numbing chores in my opinion:



#5- Clipping the chicken's talons. I can't say it isn't lively, but you know they do have large talons.


#4- Lighting the candles at night. It gets dark, I know. But still, the monotony of it all.


#3- Braiding the horse's hair. Okay, I'm a hair girl myself, I learned to braid when I was quite little, but you have no idea how horrible the horse's are at staying still! The want to trot and giddy or whatever it is they do must be very strong.


#2- Official bottle warmer. It doesn't matter what I have going on, if the baby needs a bottle, I must warm it. The process being: either rubbing the bottle between my hands, or sitting on it. So drab.

#1- Patching toe holes. And it's ALWAYS the big toe! Well, sometimes it's the pinky...

Don't you hate those chores too?! I know, they're so degrading and stuff. Alright, alright, here's my real list (I know, I think I'm so funny! tee hee):

#5- Emptying the dishwasher. And I specifically mean the emptying part. I hate it because it means once its empty, it has to be loaded. I can't just stop at the emptying. It's like two chores rolled into one. Sucky.

#4- Folding laundry. Laundry in itself is a horrible, horrible thing. It's never ending! Atleast with cleaning the toilet, or mopping the floors, you're done with it until the next time it needs to be done. And even if thats the very next day, it's done when it's done. But laundry? NO. You get done with one load, there's another waiting to go. But the laundry itself isn't so bad, because as my mom says, you get to throw your clothes into the magic box and they come out clean. It's the folding part that takes so much time, and it's so doggone boring! Sure I could do it while watching my shows, but I don't have too many shows I watch, so what then?

#3- Taking out the garbage. Technically, this is my husband's job. But when the garbage is so full it's spilling out over the top all over the floor around it, I get the great pleasure of taking the trash out. I don't like it mostly because it's another thing I have to do, when my husband should do it.


#2- Making the bed. I mean, sure, I like having my bed made, but seriously who makes their bed?! You, I bet. Well, the only time I ever consistently make my bed is when I'm pregnant. Don't know why. I hate it because my morning's are frantic and limited, so to stop and make the bed is just not on my priority list and by the time I have a minute to do it, it's the middle of the afternoon and then, what's the point?

And the NUMBER ONE chore I think is the stupidest/most irritating?!

#1- Dusting. I loathe dusting. It's the one job I do that is completely useless. Maybe it's not as bad in other people's houses. But my house is over ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. A hundred! So it gets pretty dusty. I try to dust, really I do, but all it does it move things around. I bought some Pledge junk the other day, hoping it would help. Nope, lots of dust the very next day. Stupid dust particles, you are the bain of my cleaning existence!! (lots of fist shaking here)

So, what part of cleaning do you think is the worst? It's the chicken talons isn't it?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Feeling WEIRD

Okay, I really have nothing to post about.

NOTHING.

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control into a deep, dark pit of despair. Or something like that. I'm not dramatic at all, no way!

This is like the weirdest week ever. Not really ever, but it is seriously weird. And not because of anything particularly, it's just different from normal and it's throwing me off.

There's no school, no getting up early to get Oldest ready. My boss is gone, so I have added responsibilities, which is find, just different! I'm not teaching preschool because its Spring Break!It's snowing right now! OUR BIRDS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

Yeah, see, its totally weird. Told you so.

You know what else is throwing me off?

FACEBOOK

I know I've posted about Facebook a few times already, but this is a little different. Okay, its not that different.

I'm really weirded out by all the people I knew in high school. Not that they're bad or mean or whatever, its just seeing them and talking to them pulls me back into those memories and I don't know about you, but high school brings back strong memories. And its a little painful for me. Or atleast it makes me feel self conscious, or weird. Or REALLY weird.

A girl I knew back then just posted pictures of me and her from our last year of Girls' Camp. Besides the fact that I look totally dumb, it just makes me feel....yup, you guessed it...WEIRD!

I'm feeling good that I have such an amazing grasp on my thoughts and emotions, and I think just being aware of how it makes me feel will get me through this. *shifty eyes*

I'm so glad I don't need a therapist...yet.


How do you guys feel when you see people from high school? Let's see, could it be: WEIRD?! I sure hope so.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Vacation or Punishment?

It's Spring Break here (have you heard that anywhere else? NO?!) and my boss is out of town, so guess who's left in charge? HMMmmmmm?! Yes ME, of course me!! Who else would you leave in charge of a daycare than someone as responsible and charge-worthy as me?!

Thats why I'm home right now, they didn't need me.

Really, they didn't need me. And I was super happy to come home and put on real pants instead of sweat pants. Ahhhhhhhhh, sweat pants, I love you on early mornings...

Anyway, how was your Easter? Mine was fantastic! And thats all I'm sharing with you, except these two pictures:


I seriously can't stop eating candy, it's a problem. I'm especially enjoying the Swedish Fish.
Guess what? My husband and I went and played laser tag the other night! It was super duper fun, we're keeping things young at heart, if you haven't played I seriously recommend it! Definitely hilarious, strategic, and you get a good workout.
I'm feeling a bit random still, can you tell?
I have to totally apologize to Funky, I hate feeling like a flake, I really missed ya and I hope you'll still be my friend! I really do feel like a total jerk...sorry again. :(
Hope you have a great Spring Break, I know mine will be filled with crying, whining, boredom, work, snow and showers! Yeesh...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Somebody Help Me!

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today, so this post I'm afraid is going to be a tad bit random. Oh well.

Most people save their randomness for Fridays, but you can't control this. I'm a lone wolf, a freeeee bird...a...a...against the grain kind of gal...yeah, thats all I've got.

I'm out of sorts because I've been in front of the stinkin computer even more than I usually am, and its making my head hurt. And it wasn't even for anything important! I've spent a ridiculously long amount of time for this video:

video


I know, I know, I look insane. PLUS, you get to hear all my kid's names. Not like you guys can't just go over to my family blog and read them all there, I know you're smart enough to figure it out. So I don't really care. I made the video for my family blog, but I spent so much stinkin effort on it, I posted it here too. What do you think of my super booming voice and...and...my...dorkiness?! Hope you feel even closer to me now. (It took so long because it would play fine on my computer, but every time I uploaded it to blogger, the sound went all funky. Then I had to explore many, many options to make it work. Finally, I handed it over to someone much more competent than me. Yes, should've thought of that earlier.)


Also, I'm feeling out of sorts because I haven't hardly eaten anything today. Do you ever have days like that, where you're running around (or sitting in front of the computer...) and you're just too busy to eat?! Well, it happened to me today. Don't worry I survived on a Mountain Dew, Reese's PB cups and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. I feel so much better.


My son isn't helping the situation either. He has a cold, which means: HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY! It's not that I don't feel terrible about it, but the kid wants me to hold him every second of the day. I CAN'T do that, my arms are weak and I'm lazy! Sheesh, he should learn this sooner rather than later. Here's hoping.


I haven't seen my husband before 9:30 PM every night this week. I'm feeling slightly crazed. I mean, I'm fine really, it happens quite often where we have crazy busy weeks, its just I'm done. I'm supposed to go to a church thing tonight, and I'm going to be bad and skip it. I mean humanitarian is optional right?! We're focusing on service every week this entire year, I deserve to take one night off right?! I just want to hang out with my husband, watch a movie, eat; and at this point, I'm going to do it and deal with more chocolate eating guilt later. The choices we make.


Last random thing, another reason I'm feeling all unfocused or whatever? I'm reading the Twilight series AGAIN. I have a problem. Believe you me, I've read other books since those, lots of other books, its just I LOVE those books, and I love getting lost in them. But thats the problem, I get a little TOO involved in that world. And then I walk around in a daze thinking about Forks and Edward and vampires...and EDWARD. I need help.


Alrighty then, thats it. All I got. Fini. See ya later. (Seriously, make it stop.)

Monday, April 6, 2009

Some Secret that Victoria has!

I love Victoria's Secret. I really, really do. LOVE IT.



I think they have the most adorable clothes, the kind of clothes I totally covet. I know coveting is bad, but I WANT THOSE CLOTHES. And I have to give major props to whoever their marketing person is, because they make me think I might actually look like those girls in those clothes, now that takes some doing!




I don't just love Victoria's Secret for their clothes though...

Let me just say, I have birthed three children and have nursed said three children. Do you know what nursing does to your boobs?! Sure for the time you're nursing they look fantastic, but afterwards -- it isn't pretty alright?

The day my milk finally dries up, is a scary day indeed. I go from a full "C" cup, to a shriveled tennis ball in a gym sock "A" cup. Its like hanging skin, seriously so disgusting.

But NO! Thanks to Victoria's Secret, I have perky cute "B" cups again! The bra's there may be a little pricey, but believe you me, they are worth it! I can't even stand to wear the other cheap bra's I have stuffed in the back of my drawer anymore. I will never betray you VS. NEVER.


(I really tried to not to put up a really seductive picture, sorry if you didn't feel like looking at another woman's bosoms today, but hey thats the way I roll.)
I also get their catalog and e-mails with their specials, is it sad when my little girls like to look at the catalog with me and tell me which bra's they think are pretty? Do you think that makes me a bad mom? Hey, they're going to have boobs someday too, they might as well learn about it now...

So, whats your guilty pleasure?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Do YOU Aspire to Grandeur?

Today is Sunday, so I feel like I should post something somewhat spiritual. But sometimes I feel all this pressure to be funny because on Mormon Mommy Blogs I'm listed under "funny ladies" or something like that. They're probably going to kick me out of that category before too long, I'm just not up to par. Darn it all.
But I also don't want to post about spiritual things right now, maybe someday I will, but mostly I'm selfish and like to keep those things to myself... Or maybe I'm just not spiritual? No, that can't be right... Okay I'll give you a little taste of spiritual-ness, alright?!

I love General Conference, truly! And I only fell asleep the very last talk of the very last session, come on now that's pretty impressive! And I blame my husband because he fell asleep first and then the kids did, and how do you stay awake when everyone else is asleep?! (and you stayed up until 2 AM the night before...) So anyway, I really enjoyed Conference the last two days, I feel very uplifted, but there's something I could not stop doing while watching. Every speaker that gets up, I imagine what it must feel like to be speaking to thousands of people and being broadcast all over the world--it must be terrifying! I think, someday when I'm up there, how will I feel?! (Yes, I really do think that. I'm so humble, aren't I?) I really do think about what I would talk about, how I would make it the most amazing talk ever, that would really touch people, and then think about if I would pass out on the walk up to the pulpit, if I would get so distracted by all the people that I wouldn't be able to focus on the words to read, if I would start giggling at the most inappropriate time.

Which is obviously why I will NEVER speak at General Conference. Oh, and because you have to be amazingly awesomely good to as well. Do you think I have issue's with proving myself? I just want to be the best of the best!

So, what are your aspirations?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wrong On So Many Levels

This is really hard to talk about guys. Not because its emotional, or a tough subject, just because it's REALLY EMBARRASSING. I keep debating on if I should tell you or not, but hey, why the heck not?! When I meet Heidi this month, she won't be able to look me in the eye, but who the heck cares?! Kristina will never let me near her Snuggie, but I think I can live with that! Shellie will claim we were never twins and she has no idea who I am, but I'm pretty stubborn, I'll make her get over it!
Besides, I can't be the ONLY person that this has ever happened to...right?!

Oh...
So...
Hard...
To...
Admit...

Okay already, to preface this, my family has been very sick this last week. Husband came home from work Monday night feeling really crappy (heh, heh.) and I mean CRAPPY--literally. He had the runs the whole night. The Boy had a fever this week and has been sleeping a ton, and Middle Child is now starting to feel a little warm and saying her tummy hurts. So, it shouldn't surprise me that eventually something is going to effect ME right? Well, last night right before LOST started (I so am not liking Jack right now, by the way...) I started feeling bad. But just like a sore throat/cold sort of bad. Not like the hershey squirts bad, which is GOOD. I took some medicine and I'm dealing. Thats not where this story ends, not even close. And now today, even with my kids not feeling so hot, I had to go to the store. We needed diapers and wipes and I had put it off as long as possible.

There you go, I've set it up for you. I've gone to Costco, paid for my groceries, had a slice of pizza with the kids, and I'm leaving the store. I don't know your stand on farting but every once in awhile even out in public I have to just eek one out. I'm not disgusting about it, just if I'm all alone and it has to go, I can be quiet about it and let it go. Am I the only one? Am I the only one willing to talk about it? I know, I really have a problem.

So there I was, walking out of Costco, pushing the cart, and I felt the grumble, and I did it. I farted.
Now if that wasn't embarrassing enough to do and also admit, this story goes one up from that.

I shat myself. *waaaaaaahhhhhh*

PLEASE please pLeAsE tell me I'm not that only one that this has ever happened to!! Or am I the only bloggist actually dumb enough to admit to it? I'm sure we can all agree on the latter...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I'm a Fool for April

My favorite April Fool's Joke EVER:


When Oldest Daughter was just a little baby, April Fool's came around. She was only a few months old, so still had pretty unpredictable bowel movements. Are you getting a little scared that I went right into poop? Oh yes, this story definitely has to do with poop! All the best stories have poop in them! Or do they? Well, this one does...

So, we went to the store and bought a jar of Nutella. Have you ever seen it? Its a hazelnut/chocolate (the consistency of say peanut butter-ish) spread, delicious really, but we weren't using it to put on toast--oh no we weren't! I made Husband do it, because I just can't keep my face straight in these sort of situations, no poker face whatsoever.

We were at Husband's parents' house for...well, because we lived there thats why. He went in the other room to "get a diaper", while he was in there he spread some of the Nutella on the clean diaper. Can you see where this is going?

He put Oldest on the floor where his parents weren't paying attention, and switched out the diapers. All of a sudden he started making a fuss, "OH MAN! This diaper is horrible! She totally had a blow-out!!" and then "*SNIFF* WOW, this diaper totally smells like chocolate!! Weird!" and finally "Hmmmm, I wonder if it...tastes...like...choco..." LICK! He stuck the diaper to his mouth, and licked up some of the Nutella! hehehehehehe!

You should have heard the commotion!! Husband's mom screaming, his dad just put his hand over his face and laughed (I think he knew something was up, yes?), I stayed off to the side laughing the whole time--it was HILARIOUS!

And to this day we have never played another April Fool's joke, because how can you top that?! Can you top my April Fool's joke?